Friday, October 16, 2009
It has been a long time since I have been blogging. Really missed blogging. The only reason why I have not been blogging is that I am really busy now that I am in school. Life has been so tiring. Inspiration for blogging doesn't pop up as frequent as they do before.
Of course, for those who know me, I've never blogged for the sake of blogging as I believe that it would dilute the content of my entries. I blog only when I am inspired by a certain incident or thought process.
I was on the bus back home from school today. As usual, I just got myself to stand at a corner and start observing the things and happenings around me. Slowly, the bus packed with people moved off from the interchange.
As I was standing there, my attention was diverted to a little boy sitting in front of me. He was sitting with his mum. What caught my interest was that he was perpetually placing his hand over the stop bell button right above him. I thought he was going to press the bell soon but he didn't. The bus just left the interchange so it didn't make any sense to press the bell then. But the boy continued to place his fingers over the bell button.
I thought to myself, "He must be just another one of those mischievous kids that likes to play with the bell." However, he was still holding on to the bell button after a very long time. The puzzling thing was that the boy seemed to be very serious about pressing the bell. His face didn't have any sign of mischief, only seriousness.
Just before the bus reached the first stop, he pressed the bell and I saw the sign of relief on his face. The bus stopped and together with his mum, he got off the bus.
It seems to me that I was wrong about him. This boy wasn't doing this out of mischief. Rather, he had such a strong sense of urgency in pressing the bell. It was like if he wasn't the one pressing the bell, it would have been a failed mission. He thought that by holding on to that single button, he would ensure that he will be the only one capable of pressing the bell and he will be the only one responsible for initiating the complete stop of the bus. A little boy stopping a big bus full of adults with only a pressing of a button. Sounds like a neat idea.
That probed me thinking, aren't we like that in our lives too? Sometimes, we hold on to some things so dearly that we put all our attention and focus into just that thing itself. We'd give everything just to get that one single moment of glory, that single moment of fame.
Some people slogged all their lives away, just to get that salutation of "Dr" in front of their names. For that single moment when they got their title, they immersed themselves in the limelight and glory that is seemingly eternal. When the applause fades away and reality sets in, they are not able to face the fact that life doesn't stop at just achieving a "Dr". With that "Dr" coming before their names, loads of responsibilities and expectations are piled upon their shoulders. This explains why we have so many useless doctors out there nowadays. Rarely have I seen a doctor that treats a patient out of compassion. It seems to me that the field of Medicine has been defiled by the meaningless chasing of pseudo-existing recognition that were build upon not by existing generations of doctors but through the hard work and dedication of the previous generation of physicians. Young doctors think that they ought to be respected simply because they have a "Dr" in their names. Little do they know that they are basking at the edge of the shadows of their predecessors.
This is not unique to professional occupation. In our personal lives too, we hold on to many of these seemingly important establishments. People think that money is everything. People think that materialistic wealth is everything. People think that recognition is everything. Little do they know that these things are so undependable.
Take money for example. Many people tell me that money makes the world go round. They mock me when I say this is not true. I only have this to tell them. They are not thinking. What makes that $1 in your hand worth its value? It is actually a systemic recognition by the consensus of people existing in the same system. Basically, beyond the systemic boundaries of this environment, your $1 is worthless. What makes you think that your $1 will always get you a can drink. If you put in that $1 into a faulty vending machine, that $1 just isn't going get you what you need. Even if you go to a provision shop, that $1 doesn't serve any purpose if the shopkeeper refuses to sell anything to you. Your $1 is basically at the mercy of the shopkeeper. Even if you owned a million dollars, you can never get your can drink if the shopkeeper or vending machine refuses to give in to you.
So what controls that $1 value? Two things are involved. The first is the circumstances you are in. This is likened to the vending machine analogy. The state of the vending machine is your circumstance. If the vending machine is not working, you'll never get your can drink. Or if you are in the desert, your $1 is absolutely worthless. Your 1 SING DOLLAR is worthless in Europe unless the money changer decides to exchange with you EURO DOLLAR for a good rate. Circumstances are things beyond our control.
The second thing that dictates the worth of your $1 is values. That is likened to that of the shopkeeper. Your $1 is worth the can drink if the shopkeeper is willing to sell it to you for that price. He has his own set of values. If he is professional, he knows that he should not sell a can drink for $2 but rather, a reasonable $1. Professionalism is the value at play here. Not forgetting the circumstances of the shopkeeper too! He is dictated by his own set of circumstances too, which is my previous point.
Knowing that the worth of money is actually dictated by circumstances and values, I hope you can start to see the fragility of money and materialism. All you rich people watch out. The only reason why you can sit your buttocks off on your wealth and feel secure is that the many people underneath the social pyramid are supporting you. They are dictated by circumstances and values of their own they enables your money to be of some worth. Just imagine this. You just need one rich dude to start feeling charitable and start helping those poor people under the social pyramid to set chaos to all the others' wealth. The poor people need not depend on the other rich dudes at all. Or if the majority of the poor people chose not to work for all you rich dum dums, your wealth will just go down the drain like toilet papers. I just need one big recession and all your wealth and money is just useless.
Can you all see how fragile money is? Can you all see how empty salutation and recognition is? They are fading and extremely passing! It is not logical for anyone to depend their lives on any of such things at all. They are not dependable at all! The only reason why they seem important is because everyone in the society thinks it is important! It is the same old demand and supply concept that we are ever so familiar with. If everyone thinks that money is useful, it will be useful because our systems will than be build upon that belief. However, if all of us just decide to leave this system and come up with another system, money will be worthless. The same concept goes with pride and recognition.
So what then do we hold dear in our lives? Are we like this little boy who thinks that by holding on to that little bell button, he will be able to command the bus to stop at his will? His whole idea and plan would be shattered simply by someone else who decides to press another button! Also, if the bus driver misses the stop because he was dreaming, the efforts put in by this little boy to hold on and press the bell would have been futile! His whole idea and thinking that he is the one in control of the situation would have been nullified, totally!
So what are you really depending on? Don't you think that your life is based so largely on a worthless ideology? Do you suddenly see that stupidity in you when you choose to lean upon something so fragile? Where is our hope then?
We all know where is our hope. We all know who is unchanging. We all know who is the truth. We all know the way. He is unchanging. He is always faithful. He is always there. He is always dependable. Why then do we choose something so fragile over Him who is ALMIGHTY and AWESOME? Why? What's the logic to you who like to talk to me about logic? Show me your logic!
And we humans like to think that we are logical, highly intelligent beings. I think we have just made a mockery of ourselves out of our own stupidity and arrogance.
Let go of that button, silly you.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I bought a book last Sunday from church when a Taiwanese pastor came to preach. He published a book when loosely translated from Chinese, is something like "Truth without Logic". It is a compilations of verses from the 4 gospels and extracting key verses which Jesus spoke, accompanied with his commentaries.
I came across one of his commentaries where he referred to the book of Matthew. This was the verse he quoted.
"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?......You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden."
Matthew 5:13-14
Pastor Liu the brought out a point which I found to be highly valid. He was commenting like how many Christians find it very difficult to "Be" the "Salt and Light" of the world. Many Christians try very hard to lead out a Christian life. They make sure that they go to Church every Sunday. They make deliberate efforts to do this and not to do that. They try very hard to put up a "Christ-like" front to the people around them. Yet, many a times, they find themselves failing, resulting in them feeling dejected and dry.
Why is it so hard to be the salt and light of this world? Why is it that Jesus impose upon us a task that seems so impossible?
The end result is back sliding and in some cases, total rejection of God.
So what's the problem here?
Pastor Liu very correctly pointed out that Jesus did not ask us to "Be" the "salt and light" of this world. Rather, He said, "You ARE" the "Salt and Light" of this world. Jesus was talking to His disciples then, telling them that they ARE the SALT and LIGHT of this world. A true disciple is one that truly follows the way and commands of Jesus.
Thus, when Jesus says "You ARE", it means it is something that comes very naturally. It should not be something so difficult to acheive because His ture disciples ARE already the SALT and LIGHT of this world. Rather than BE the salt and light, the true disciples ARE already the salt and light.
So, we shouldn't be trying to be the salt and light. It is not something that happens from outside in. Meaning our outward actions cannot change who we are really inside. Our consciencious efforts on the outside can never bring about change within us as the motivation isn't correct. Rather, it should happen from inside out. Christians need to change completely, starting from the inside. It is our inner self that controls our outward being. We need to start by humbling our hearts and seeking God's work within us.
Throw a carrot and a coffee bean into boiling water and they both have different effects. The carrot will simply soften and if you boil long enough, it'll simply disintegrate. The coffee bean on the other hand, will change the aroma and colour of the water into a nice blend of coffee.. Simply said, do you want to be a carrot, that lacks any substance within itself to affect its surroundings or would you want to be a coffee bean, which even under intense heat, is able to change and affect its surroundings with its substance effectively?
Many Christians make the mistake of focusing on outwardly change of their personal being. They act kindly in front of people only to find it unable to last because they lack the unconditional love that comes from within. They try to resist the temptation of materialism only to find that time and time again, excuses pop up to justify their materialistic needs. What we need to realize is that we have to get the sequence right. Complete change cannot come from the outside because our actions and deeds are unable to have any effect on our inner self. Rather, complete change must come from within, from our soul and our spirit. We must correct our corrupted belief system, which simply defines who we are. A person cannot defy his own definition. Only by repairing his own definition will he be able to redefine his own actions. Only then will his actions be genuinely justified by his belief system.
Bearing in mind all these, it makes more sense to see why Jesus says YOU ARE "THE SALT AND LIGHT" of this world rather than saying BE "THE SALT AND LIGHT" of this world. If we truly believe in Jesus and His salvation, truly repenting, humbling and submitting ourselves before Him as the LORD of our lives, only then can we be redefined as true disciples of Jesus Christ. With that, we no longer need to BE "THE SALT AND LIGHT" of the world. We will be called His true disciples and we ARE "THE SALT AND LIGHT" of this world.
All Glory to God Almighty. Amen.
Continuation from part 2.
Continuation from part 1.
I am so impressed and touched by these kids. I can help but feel so lucky to be where I am today. By God's grace He has made me who I am.
Compared to them, the problems that Singapore students face pales in comparison. Really, be grateful that we have such wonderful education in Singapore.
I'll work even harder now.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
This song has reminded once again what He intends for me.
I want to shed this life of selfishness LORD. I want to stop living for myself. Greater things are to be done LORD. Use me not for my glory but yours alone. So many more out there needs You LORD! Use me LORD...
Grant me the strength, courage and wisdom to achieve what You have intended for me. Every step I've taken in my life is intended for that one single purposes. Let me not lose the heart for it.
Use me LORD...
Use me.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
I can't believed I actually flared up for the most stupid reason. It was so childish. The worst thing is, I flared up at the person who loved me the most. My mum.
I don't know why did I do it. It was just a build up of unpleasant emotions and unwanted distractions. Sometimes, I think I take my mum for granted. She loves and cares for me so much, yet how did I treat her. I just taught my sunday school class about honouring your father and mother and here we have a negative example.
I just felt so weak after flaring up. I hate flaring up. It is just a sign of weakness. Contrary to common belief, flaring up is not a sign of strength but rather the feeling of vulnerability. It is the desperate need to be defend one's weakness when one finally breaks out in anger.
I am so selfish. I always care about my own emotions and neglect the feelings of others. This is especially so to the people that are close to me. I really hate myself for doing it. Really hate it. These are the times where you really feel like punishing yourself and hopefully the pain of punishment will remove the intense guilt in you.
But I am just not going to do that.
I've fallen in to Satan's first trap. Not going to fall into the second one.
The hardest thing to do is to say "I'm sorry." There is not one time whereby I can say sorry without any resistance. Satan hates these words and he'll go all out to prevent us from saying them.
But I'll do just that.
Help me out here LORD.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
God provides.
He never leaves me alone, even when I feel differently.
He disciplines.
I feel comforted in His presence.
There is nothing for me to worry about.
He got it all handle, literally everything.
I've just got to listen and follow. That's it.
His patience towards me knows no limit.
His grace knows no depth.
His love touches me repeatedly.
How much can I give You LORD?
I know how much I can give, but my heart is not willing.
Fear overrides me.
Tell me when my time comes LORD.
Hold on to my hand and walk me down this road.
I cannot do without You.
Hold it tight and never let me go.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
This two days have been a rather stressful period for me. As many of you would have known, I am involved in some teaching.
Ever remember how your teachers make you do corrections over and over again when you weren't able to submit work worthy of her standards? It was a painful experience yeah? I've just realised, it wasn't easy on the teacher either.
I had to make one of my student do corrections today. It wasn't one or two questions. It was a lot of questions. She was too careless in her work, making very fundamental mistakes that would be costly if it had been an exam. It was a difficult decision, but I had to make her do the corrections anyway.
As she had many corrections, I allowed her to bring the corrections back to do. Just then, she cried. I asked her what happened and she told me she had a lot of homework from her language school too. She just sobbed so quietly. My heart just went into pieces. I felt for her. Seeing her cry made me feel sad too! I didn't want to cause her so much misery but it was my job! In the end, I extended the dateline for her corrections but explained to her that I was unable to remove her misery of doing the corrections as it was necessary for her to learn not to commit the same mistakes again. She nodded but went on sobbing anyway. I was hurt. But I had to do the right thing. It was for her own good.
On my way home, I reflected on how God must have felt when He has to make difficult decisions for us too. There must be times when He knows what is best for us, but it might not make us happy. God knows that some things has to be done, even if it is at the cost of our short term happiness, just so that we can come out of these trials and tribulations stronger. God must have been sad when we cried out to Him.
She was just my student and already, I felt so much pain for her. She wasn't even my daughter and yet I felt so bad for her when she sobbed in front of me. How much more miserable must it have been for God to see His one and only Son crucified in the hands of the people He love so dearly. It is something I can never understand but to only be grateful for.
How deep the Father's love for us......
Sunday, April 19, 2009
It's has been a long time since my last entry. There's just this sense of emptiness within me nowadays. Time and time again, I keep falling back to this state of emptiness. Nothing good happened, nothing bad either. It is just this mundane, routine me that's functioning as a body but not functioning emotionally.
I fear this feeling. I've never liked feeling empty. I've never liked feeling coldness. I don't like feeling indifferent about the things happening around me. I fear when I lose the ability to feel. At least when I am angry or frustrated, I have an emotion to reflect upon. With emptiness, I have nothing to reflect.
God's voice seems to be softer or even muted nowadays. My prayers are repetitive and I feel they lack substance. My prayers seemed superficial nowadays. I am praying because I am taught to pray. But do I really believe in what I pray?
But God is always good. He never fails. I thank God for the sermon today. Pastor Chua's sermon today touched me. It felt like the sermon was made for me. It felt like God was speaking just to me. Maybe I've lost the humility that once swelled within me. It was this humility that brought me to lower down before God and accept that He is the Lord of my life. Once that humility is gone, my prayers lose their power. My prayers loses it sincerity. God is nothing more than a waiter to me then because I am simply giving Him my orders from my desire's menu. I was speaking to God, but I wasn't communicating to Him.
I need to cultivate a prayerful heart. I need to start communicating with God and tell Him everything. I want God to know everything and how I feel. Things that I don't want to tell anyone but Him. I realised that without this prayerful heart, I end up getting impatient. I end up being less compassionate. I end up being cold and ignorant to things around me. Worse of all, I end up judging people.
To me, judging people is something I've never liked. I detest how easily corrupted one's judgement can get. I hate it when I judge someone. This subconcious judgement has been rampant within me nowadays. It is getting superficial. I was so frustrated with myself and I ask why is this happening to me. I wasn't like this before but things are changing. I keep asking myself why.
Thank God, I had my answer today. The reason was I keep asking myself why. I should have asked God. But God gave me the answer anyway. I've lost my humility. I am starting to become arrogant and proud. I am starting to trust my own abilities more than I trust God. This results in empty prayers which in turn creates a drift between me and God. The cycle goes on and on.
I am coming back to You LORD, again. I am amazed no matter how many times I disappoint You, Your grace is sufficient to bring me back. You don't pull me back, You draw me closer to You. I love You LORD. May those who read this be my witness that I've declared You to be the LORD of my life. All glory to You on high.
As for my readers, I've written this post for two purposes. One is for me. I need to write this down in order for me to remember this. I need you all to be a witness to my rededication to Him. By His grace and mercy, if I should stray once again, my Christian brothers and sisters, do me a facour by reminding me how much I need God to be in my life. Thank you!
The second purpose is to tell everyone out that something. You can never come to believe that God is the truth until you humble yourself down. If you cannot bring yourself to see how lowly you are or how insignificant your existence is, you'll never be able to believe in God. No matter how much gospel is being preached to you, how much miracles are performed before you, your calloused heart will be just like the Pharoh during Moses time. Never trust the praises of men, for they carry little substance and are quick to fleet. Each has his own agenda. However, God has only one agenda for us, that is to love and save us. Earn the praises of God, never of men. Such is the lesson I've learnt from this period of emptiness within me that has robbed much of my happiness and peace.
Till then, let me start filling up my life again. Let me not seek my own glory but only the One that sits high above the throne in heaven. All glory to God and His name on high! Amen.
Friday, March 13, 2009
When you press the "ON" button on your iPod, how much faith do you have in it that it will power up?
When you set the alarm clock before you go to sleep at night, how much faith do you have in it that it will wake you up the next morning?
When you press the buttons on your remote control, how much faith do you have in it that it will switch your tv channels instantly?
When you lie down beneath the fast turning ceiling fan, how much faith do you have in it that it will not fall on you?
When you flick the switch on the wall, how much faith do you have in it that it will light up the next moment?
I think the questions above may seem obsolete when you look at it on the surface. The fact is, many of us don't even think about these questions. Why? Because we don't feel the need to think about them. These things work most of the time, so much so that we have taken for granted their reliability. The fact is history shows that these things are trustworthy. The fact is they follow a consistent pattern of reliability that we don't even think about it. Take the ceiling fan as an example, I don't even recall ever hearing news of ceiling fan falling on someone sleeping underneath it.
So what does all these prove?
In my opinion, our human minds rely on a pattern of consistency, which very much shape our belief system. We believe in what repeats itself. We believe in things that consistently prove itself to be reliable.
So we trust Steve Jobs in delivering great Apple products each year and somehow, they are always bound to make a big whoo-ha in the electronics industries. Steve Jobs and Apple are the creators of Apple products and their track records make people trust their products. People just rush into buying their products, thinking it must be the best, on the basis that it always has been the best. That's humanity's belief system, believing in what always have been.
The sun rises every morning in the east and sets every evening in the west. The sea never dries up and has always been playing a paramount role in the hydrological cycle. The Nile has always been flowing and for thousands of years, provided for one of the greatest civilization on earth. Everyday, miracles are born, in all shape and sizes across the globe. The process of childbirth is so beautiful and intricate. Though complicated, it has never changed since the history of mankind. Such processes are so important and complicated. Yet, they never fail. It always have been like that and it follows a pattern repition. To me, it points to just one thing.
No prizes for guessing for those who have always been reading my blog.
Why? Because I myself write with a pattern, a repetitive one. So much so that people kind of know what I will be writing. It is always about the same thing. It is a manifestation of my belief system.
So what do I believe?
I believe in God.
He is the creator of all things under the heavens and the earth. Everything in the universe was formed under the breath of His words. There is no doubt about it, everything points to the need of a master creator. No way are these things ever going to happen by chance! Are you telling me that the presence of modern humans come into play simply by chance of a mutation of a single cell and it's offspring? Why not tell me that the fan on the ceiling doesn't fall on you tonight as you sleep simply because by chance, the conditions and surrounding just so happen to be stable enough to be support the fan? We all know that it doesn't happen this way. The fan doesn't drop on you because care have been taken into accout when assembling and installing it on your ceiling. Your interior designer has probably gotten his contractor to do a detailed calculation and measurment before installing the fast spinning fan.
So what does all these mean?
If we amplify the scenario, it all proves that God exist. The 9 planets(sorry should be 8. Pluto is no longer considered a planet. :P) spin in PRECISE orbits because there was a plan for it. 9 gigantic masses spinning around a ball of fire so huge, try telling me it all happened by chance. No there was a plan, just like there was a plan for the fan. Steve Jobs have a plan for Apple products. The contractor has a plan for the fan. God always had a plan for nature, He always have a plan for us.
The Bible states that we are made in the image of God. This is to say, there are certain traits within us that resembles God. I believe having a plan for creation is something God has bestowed upon us. God give us an ability to create, just like how He created the universe.
But are we doing Him a favour. You actually trust that tiny button on your iPod more than you trust God. You actually trust that plastic switch on your wall to switch on the lights more that you trust God. Worse still, history shows that all these things are necessarily reliable. iPods do fail and so do swtiches. But the sun never fails to rise on the east and it never fails to set on the west. Yet, we trust things that can fail more than we trust God.
Where's the logic?
Yes, people use the word "logic" when trying to disprove God to me. Somehow, I feel that that word has been used rather recklessly, so much so that it loses its meaning. Logic, do you really understand logic?
So who do you trust more? God or your iPod. Make a logical choice...
Friday, February 20, 2009
What do you see in this picture? Adapted from www.aad.gov.au/default.asp?casid=2880 Yes, you see a lot of penguins huddling together. This is what you can liken to a penguin 'ritual' every winter. It is their form of survival in the extreme cold conditions that they live in. By literally sandwhiching each other together, they allow their body heat to transfer among each other to prevent them from chilling to death. This is the only way they can survive the blizzard. Anyone who separates from the pack dies. It is not hard to tell that those standing in the middle of the pack will be the ones that gets the most heat and thus, the most comfortable. For those standing at the edge, they are the ones suffering the most. As we can see from the picture, thick coats of ice crystalize on their feathers. Not very bearable yeah? Can you imagine being coated with ice? This image captivated me so strongly that I decided to share. It just suddenly cross my mind and I believe I have the obligation to share it with all my Christian brothers and sisters. We can compare ourselves to penguins. Each and everyone of us as Christians are like penguins. We are surviving in the cold, harsh world. As Christians, we need to continually give each other spirtual support in the form of fellowship and encouragement. However, we should always remember the great commission that Jesus gave us, that is to go out and make disciples for his kingdom. Many times, I find many Christians, myself included, being too caught up within our own comfort zone. We are just like the penguins in the middle of the pack. We only like to associate with people around us, people we are farmiliar with. Some may even choose to associate with just Christian friends. That's where we find the most warmth as the farmiliar faces of brothers and sisters in Christ never fail to comfort us. But we can't always stay in the center of of the herd. We can't always be the one enjoying the most warmth. When the time comes, we need to pull ourselves out from our comfort zone and venture into the colder, harsh outskirts. It is those that are located in the outskirt that are of paramount importance to the survival of the herd. They are the ones that guide other penguins back into the herd. They are the ones that welcome the other penguins to join. They are the ones that gets the least warmth but doing the most important job. Without them to guide the returning penguins, the incoming penguin will not be able to bring the food back into the herd. Likewise, as Christians, sometimes we need to venture beyond our comfort zone. We need to go out and invite new people to join us within this circle of huddle. Only when the numbers increase will there be more people to share the warmth and love together, ensuring our continual survival. The world may be harsh, but if we congregate together, Christ's love will bundle us with joy and peace. It is not easy being at the frontline of the herd. Many people choose to remain in the centre of the herd. We can't just ensure our own survival. We need to have the goal of bigger picture in mind. We've got to move on to bigger things, greater responsibilities. We've got to step out of our comfort zone and venture into places where our help is needed the most. Once, you received the most warmth. Now it is the time to show the same love and kindness to people whom you've never known. May it be that God grant us the courage to be that penguin on the outskirt of the fellowship. May He grant us the strength (or the fats, haha) to keep us warm by stepping out for Him. May we have His will in our minds in place of our own selfish wills. May He be the rising sun across the horizon that gives us all hope. Thank You LORD. http://www.splashofcolour.net.au/Image/PenguinChick.JPG SO WHAT KIND OF PENGUIN ARE YOU?
Friday, February 13, 2009
Sometimes, it is simple worship songs like this that touch the innermost part of my heart. No fanciful melody, no bombastic words. Simple and sweet, straight forward, just like God's love to us. Praise You LORD...
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
The atheist asked me, "If your god is so good and almighty, if he loves us, why would he make people on earth suffer?"
Hmm... Tough question. What am I to answer him?
First, my atheist friend, isn't the whole world suffering? Whoever's god we are talking about, aren't we all still suffering? Hmm.. By your logic, I guess all other gods in the world don't love us too. None of the gods seems to care about us, don't you think so? Not a single one of them. Well, that's explain it. That's why you are an atheist.
My dear atheist friend, let me ask you this now. Your question just summarised the concept as shown below.
"If your god is so good and almighty, if he loves us, why would he make people on earth suffer?"
GOODNESS + POWER + LOVE = NO SUFFERING
When I was still a very young kid, my mum has always been there to take care of me. She is good to people around her. She is always genuinely concerned with people around her. That easily satisfy your criteria of being good. She has the power to discipline me too. She dictates my schedule. When I have my meals, what time I go to the school and when I play too much computer games, she has the power to discipline me. Seems like she satisfy the criteria of possessing certain amount of power too. Does my mum love me? Definitely! No doubt about that. She loves me to the bottom of her heart.
My mum satisfy the following:
GOODNESS + POWER + LOVE
But that didn't prevent me from suffering once or twice in my life. There were times when my mum asked me not to play in the rain. I chose not to listen to her. I ended up contracting a bad cold and that was suffering. There were times where she asked me not to over eat in buffet lunches. I did not listen to her and I end up having a very bad stomach ache and vomitting for the rest of the day. That definitely was a form of suffering.
GOODNESS + POWER + LOVE = NO SUFFERING????????
My friend, the problem lies with you. Yes you. Why do you expect to not suffer just because God is good? Why do expect God to deliver you from your suffering just because He has the power to do so? Why do you expect God to take away your suffering just because He loves you? WHO ARE YOU MY FRIEND? Who are you to demand all these from someone you've just described as good, almighty and loves you? Yes friend, you are the selfish one who expects things to happen. Your mind expects things to follow a pattern you so think should be the case. You think you understand what you said. You think a lot my friend, but you don't understand.
If you truly believe in what you've just said my atheist friend, then promise me one thing. When you have a kid next time, don't ever let him or her suffer. You know what will happen if your child suffer? It means, you are not good to your child. You are useless because you don't have the power to control your child so that he or she will not suffer. You definitely do not love your child at all because she suffered! You are a lousy father my friend.
My dear atheist friend, I don't think that is possible right? I am sure you will love your child and you would want to give the best for him or her. But to let your child not suffer?
Also my dear atheist friend. If you know that people around are suffering my friend, what have you done to help them? You ask God where is the solution to the suffering in the world. I see you my friend. I see your willing and kind heart as the answer to your own question. God empowered you and I with perfect health and wealth. How much have you contributed that to ending someone else's suffering. You may not be the solution to suffering, but are you even part of it?
My dear atheist friend, with so much being said, I hope you don't just think, understand what you are saying. I want to tell you my friend, even with you unjustifying so much about God, He has not forgotten you. He wants to justify you. You ask Him where is the solution to your suffering. I tell you the truth, the solution is Him. You thought you could catch God with His words by asking Him where he is when you see so much suffering. But He actually bothered about you my friend. He actually died just to give an answer to your solution. He didn't die to free you from your sufferings on earth. He died to free you from your sufferings for eternity. Do you believe that? All you have to do is just to believe that He has done it for you.
But would you believe what I just said? Would you believe me my friend? Or would you think that I am just some lost fellow following a blind faith? Whatever the case my friend, don't just think, understand.
God is always there for me and you. Were we always there for Him?
Friday, February 06, 2009
Today is an emotional day for me. It is my ORD. Today, I've officially regained my civilian status. Today, I've officially become an NSman. Today, I've put a full stop on one of the most important chapter in my life and a new one is beginning.
There are so many things going through my mind now. There are so many things I want to express. But there are just too many things for me to put them into words. My time in the army has been so rich, full of joy and pain. I don't think I'll ever get to experience so much things in just 2 years. They said national service changes a guy. Many people think it is nonsense. I don't agree. I've seen the change it has done to me. It has been amazing.
With so many things to say, I think it'll be easier if I could just theme this entry. I would say my NS experience is a time of many firsts. Let's begin with the sunny morning of 09th April 2007.
That morning, is a morning I can never forget. It was a morning of mixed emotions. For the first time in my life, I've never felt so confused. Much have been said and heard about the NS experience. I didn't know what to expect. Will it be enjoyable or will it be painful? Will I be able to pull through this 2 years. Many people told me not to worry because I don't have to worry. But still, worrying isn't much of a choice for me then. I couldn't stop worrying. My parents brought me to Pasir Ris Bus Interchange and over there were many sergeants politely ushering us to a bus that brought us to the SAF terminal. Little did I know that all these "polite" sergeants will soon be the first line that SAF has put in place in our lives to "tekan" us. I was soon brought to this place called "Botak Island". "Botak Island" was nice on first sight. It looked some what like a holiday chalet.
My parents and I were then having lunch at the cookhouse of "Botak Chalet". Sitting there seeing many other guys that are going into the same fate as me wasn't exactly helpful. All their faces were glum and sad. It was then that I bid my parents good bye. For the first time in my life, I will be seperated from my parents for more than 2 weeks. Knowing that it is on an island is not very helpful either. My parents left and for the first time in my life, I felt so alone. Alone with so many other people that were left alone too.
There were many other firsts in "Botak Island" too. But I can't share all the details. Soon, it was time to leave "Botak Island" into somewhere in the west. That somewhere is OCS. OCS is the climax of my training days in the army. It was a place where it pushes one to his limits. It is a place of self discovery for me. Again, due to the sensitivity of the content, I am unable to divulge the many firsts that I've experienced in OCS. But thank God for them. Because it was here that I've totally change the perception of myself. I was pushed beyond to what I can thought I couldn't achieve before I come into army. Before entering the army, anyone who can run a distance of more than 2.4 km was crazy to me. The 4.8km cross country run in high school was like THE CHALLENGE for me and I felt so good about completing it. When I came into OCS, they pushed me beyond what I thought was crazy. 5km, 8km, 10km. 10km endurance runs became like part of the training every week and soon, I became accustomed to it. Subsequently, in my days of officership, I went on to run the 21km half marathorn. Right now, I am training up for my first marathorn of my entire life. The Adidas Sundown Marathorn. Without all these training in OCS, I would never even dare to think about going for all these. But right now, I did beyond what I used to think was crazy.
OCS training also saw me going through many other firsts. I was thrown into a foreign jungle with a bunch of other guys and we were supposed to survive in it for 9 days. That was REAL jungle survival. Finding your way through the thick vegetation, drinking from river water, building your own shelter and also surviving 9 days with little food while carrying a very heavy load. When I say little I really mean VERY LITTLE food. Killing a cute bird by twisting its neck wasn't exactly very pleasant either. Its blood flowing out onto your hands. Never in my whole life then would I be expecting myself to be doing that kind of thing. Never! Seriously, that experience was once in a lifetime and nothing can describe it. That experience made boys like us cry when we exit the jungle! I didn't cry but I was so touched to see a bunch of army boys hugging and crying with each other the moment we stepped out of that hell like jungle. That experience made me so much more confident about myself. There is nothing I can't do. It is just a matter of whether my mind wanted to. Of course, God was with me. I really want to thank God that He gave me the strength to pull through the experience. I came out without a single injury. No exaggeration but people do die from that kind of training and it wasn't too long ago. I was worried of my safety but God was with me.
Then, there was the comissioning parade that saw me wearing such a nice military uniform for the first time. For the first time my parents came down to the parade square and put on my rank for me. It was a proud moment. You would feel like you are the coolest looking dude around wearing that uniform but then you realised there were hundred more others. And then there was the first time I attended a ball. It was my comissioning ball. Wearing the SAF No.2 uniform looks a bit funny at first but after a while, you'll actually find it quite nice. It was like a world of difference to the uniform I wore in the jungle a few months back then. That's the amazing thing about my stint in the army. It provided me with the most down to earth experience, to the splurging end of the experience spectrum. All within 2 years.
My stay in the army also humbled me a lot. You start to realise that you aren't actually as good as you think you are. People whom you never thought much of could actually surprise you big time. I started to get to know people I've never thought I would come into contact with. I get to know guys who had criminal backgrounds. I have to led men that some people think are beyond any control. But it was great to know them. You start to see the good in people. There is good in everyone of us. My men are my source of encouragement. Used to think it should be the other way around but reality proves us wrong sometimes.
There are really really much more things I would love to share but there are just too many of them! Today, as I stepped out of camp, I felt a sense of sadness. ORD is supposed to be a happy event for many people. But for me, it was an emotional one. There are many things that I don't want to leave behind. But everything have their place and time. What stays within the camps compound can't go out. But I know the memories will be with me forever. I'll not forget my days in the army. It's time for me to move on. I used to questioned God so badly why did He not let me get into Medicine and disrupt from army to pursue my dream of becoming a doctor. In retrospect, God seems to understands me the best. These 2 years have moulded me into someone I've never thought I would become. My mental strength is way stronger than what it was before. I start to see the bigger picture of things now. God has a better plan for me. I can see that it is way better than what I expected, which is why I am so looking forward to what is installed for me this year. I am so much more confident in Him that He will pull me through studies in Dentistry. Not quite something I would expect myself to be doing before but now, I really think it suits me better.
These 2 years will become the foundation for me for the next 4 years. God, you've put me here and I am going to run with you. I really want to thank You for the 2 years in army, because it made me a stronger and better person. You moulded me into someone You want me to be and not what I want to be. For all the past experience, may they be a testimony to Your love and grace for me. Thank You LORD.
The 2 years was great. Thank you SAF. :)
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Today is the LORD's Holy Communion Sunday. Normally, I would be sitting among the congregation, waiting for my turn to receive the grace of God's Holy Communion. However, it was different for me today. As I was serving in the worship team, I had the chance to be at the backstage, facing the congregation as they make their way up to partake in the Holy Communion.
As I was sitting there observing the crowd, a few people caught my attention. Among them were the elderlies. As they were old, it took them quite some effort to kneel down before the pulpit to receive their portion. Unknowingly, a beautiful thought came into my mind. I wondered to myself, "There can only be two reasons why these elderlies are still coming to church and willingly humble themselves in front of LORD our God. They could have been Christians for all their lives or majority of their lives. I give thanks to You God because it meant that your grace and mercy was sufficient to keep them going all these years, providing them with strength and refuge, so much so that they've continued to walk in Your light after so many years. Alternatively, they could be new believers, coming to know God only towards the later part of their lives. I gave thanks to God for them too. It is because God's grace and love is so powerful that they have decided to follow Jesus during their aging years. Having gone through so much in their lives, it is never easy to let God into our hardened hearts at such an age. Their lives were salvaged at the later part their lives. I give thanks to you God!"
I came to realise one thing, no matter which part of our lives God chose to intercept, it is never too late. It is in God's timing and will that all things will fall into place. I began questioning myself. Would I be able to see myself kneeling down there 40 years down the road, humbly partaking in God's Holy Communion? It is not going to be an easy journey to be a Christian, but the end result is more than what we all deserve. This experience also reminds me of how so many out there have yet to come to know our Lord Jesus. It is never too late. Any time is a good time to love God because God loves us all the time.
God, if it is by your will that I'll ever live to that ripe old age, I want not only myself to be kneeling down in front of that pulpit, partaking in your Holy Communion. Let my children and my wife, my family and friends be kneeling beside me, joining me in this remembrance of Your amazing grace. Let my footsteps be steadfast and never far away from You. If I ever do stray from You Lord, do not forget me. Pull me back to Your side. I never want to feel far away from You. I felt that distance before and it feels exceedingly lonely. Lord, I do not want to be far from You. Keep me within Your reach, within a word of prayer.
I want to be with You for eternity. Let it be at Your will Lord...
Sunday, January 11, 2009
你最近还好吗？ 心里有许多的亏欠，许多的遗憾。回想起当初如何伤害了你，实在对你一点也不公平。但现在看到你已经走出了悲伤，我也为你高兴。我也只能默默的在一旁为你加油打气。加油吧！
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Today, my mum has been doing some packing of the storeroom. While she was tidying through the pile of books in it, she found my diary. It is not just any diary but my primary school chinese diaries. I particularly like the pri 2 ones. Shall share some of my favourites. My mum and I laughed our heads off reading some of the entries.
This entry was me writing about working hard and studying diligiently. I liked the layout of the table. :P
This is one of my Christmas entry. I like the opening of the entry. Kind of cute. Haha :)
Saturday, December 20, 2008
I came across this video that was a movie trailer of a movie called "MOST". Sit back and relax to the video.
To my Christian brothers and sisters, this is something that reminds us how much God loves us.
To my non-Christians brothers and sisters, if you are touched by this video, know this, you are one of those people on the train.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
When we conduct a funeral for the deceased, who is the funeral meant for?
Common belief would be that the funeral is for the spirit of the deceased. In many funerals, we conduct rituals and ceremonies. Some of these are to pay respect to the deceased, others are to fulfill some spiritual beliefs. Such spiritual beliefs include praying or chanting for the deceased in hope that we can interject a divine being to safeguard the passage of the deceased's spirit to heaven. To many, a funeral is like the last hope of doing something for the deceased.
I choose not to believe that a funeral is for the benefit of the deceased. Rather, I feel that a funeral is catered more for the loved ones of the deceased. A funeral is where the families and friends of the deceased sit down together to mourn for the loss of the dead. It provides them the chance to release the intense emotions that has welled up in them due to the fact that the deceased is no more. It converts their grief into practical actions, which in turn gives them a sense of purpose towards the deceased. Honestly speaking, what can be done for the deceased is no longer useful to him. All that remains of what was him is his lifeless body which will soon decay in the passage of time.
The moment any of us breathe our last breathe, whatever happens in this present world will no longer be relevant to us anymore. That very last breathe marks the full stop at the last page of our book. It all ends there. Nothing can be done to correct or change our fate. With reference to the passage in Mark 12:18-25, it clearly states that upon our death, we belong to no one. Not our spouse, not our parents, nobody. No one on this earth will belong to us and we no longer belong to anyone.
" When the dead rise, they will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven."
Mark 12:25
My guess is we will no longer be tied down to any interpersonal relationship, something which we depend heavily on during our lifetime in this world. To put it bluntly, the friendships, the kinships, the courtships, the relationships, whatever that we've built so hard for, will all go down to nothing upon death.
Does it mean that all these relationships that we've been intricately building thus far are all useless? By no means! On the contrary, they are urgently important. Knowing that we have so little time for so many people, the quality of these time spent must be of paramount standard. This is what God allocated for us. It is our duty to make the best out of this time allocated. I mentioned earlier that upon death, we are alone. Indeed we are, if we choose to. If we choose to walk with God, we will never be alone. This is because Jesus Christ walked through the valley of death and came out victorious. He overcame the power of death. He was alone for a period of time but His trust in God made him come back alive. He is now with God. God is now with Him. He is never alone. God has handed over to Him His kingdom of power. Jesus made an obvious choice. He followed God, completely. God transcends all boundaries. Time has no right over Him. He is the only thing that will not disappear with us upon death, because death never held any power over Him. His relationship with us is the only relationship that we can trust to bring over upon our imminent death. It is a powerful relationship, a relationship that calls upon us to be the Children of God.
That brings me to the question. How then can we make use of this time allocated to us. Understand that human relationships will be nullified upon death and God's relationship with us will last eternally. If we really do care for the people around us, people whom we so painstakingly build up our relationship with, it is only fair for them to earn the status of the Child of God. My point is, for those who believed and followed Christ, there is not much time left for us to convince the people we care. For those who have yet to believe and follow Christ, there is not much time left for you to choose how you want to be judged by God during the end of time. Do you want to face God's wrath all by yourself, or do you want Jesus standing next to you, interceding and pleading for mercy for you in front of the Almighty God? God gave us a very straightforward choice. Jesus is the choice. Everyone who chooses Jesus, God's chosen Son, to be the LORD of his life, will be saved and forgiven. The contrary will be that for those who don't do so.
With so much being said, I just want to post one question. On the moment of your last breathe, who do you want to bring along with you across to the other side? There is only one you can bring along with you. Choose.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
This song touched my heart once again. It acts as a reminder to what I am lacking very much. God I need the discipline to do so. Help me.
On Friday night, as I was slouching in my living room's sofa watching Discovery Channel, I came across an advertisement. It was showing all the beautiful pictures of nature and the amazing state of the art technology. After around 1 minute, it ended with a phrase, " The world is awesome."
I stared at it for at least 5 seconds and almost immediately, a strange feeling welled up inside me. I felt uncomfortable. I didn't know what was it but something just doesn't feel right during that 5 seconds. I realised what went wrong. It was fundamentally wrong. Those pictures were a testimony to a great creator. The rain don't fall at its on accord. The flowers don't bloom just because it wants to. Electricity don't flow in any direction it desires. They all point to one thing, there is a master planner and creator. This is what dictionary.net says about the word awesome.
Awesome \Awe"some\, a.1. Causing awe; appalling; awful; as, an awesome sight. --Wright.
2. Expressive of awe or terror.
Awe \Awe\, v. t. [imp. & p. p. Awed (?); p. pr. & vb. n. Awing.]To strike with fear and reverence; to inspire with awe; to control by inspiring dread.
We actually called the world awesome? Awesome? We gave what God deserve to his creation instead of him. What kind of complacency is that! How would you feel if your son calls someone else "Daddy"? It would be heartbreaking. I believe God would feel the same.
Fear God, because He is able to create and destroy at His will. The only reason why nothing is happening to such boastful attitude is because God is merciful. His love for us know no limit. Don't take it for granted.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Happen to pop by this video. It started out to me as some secular christian song and video. But as I watched on, I feel a deeper sense of meaning to this video. Indeed, many people out there longs to be loved and they are searching for themselves. How many times my brothers and sisters, do we as Christians reach out to them? We complain that no one wants to be saved. But what happens when someone willing to listen to God's word pop by in your life? Do you choose to ignore them just because interacting with them pokes through you comfort zone? Think about it. Think again...
Saturday, November 22, 2008
The moment I met her, I knew she was the one.
I need to do her looks and sound justice. Now that I've got a bass guitar, especially such a good one, I've got to start working hard to bring my skills one notch higher. No, one notch is not high enough. Must go two or three. Haha, my skills now ain't very high to begin with. Got to start practising.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Let this song do the talking...
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
20 years. That's like almost 1/4 of my life, with the assumption that I live up to the average life span of a human male. Thank you worship team for the well wishes. Although last night's practice was tiring, it was definitely a fruitful one. Thank you my friends for all the well wishes that you all sent me, be it via sms, msn or facebook. It was a good feeling to receive so many well wishes from so many people all on the same day. Not forgetting those who used the tradition hand shake method. It was definitely great. Last but not least, my beloved parents and sister. They have always been on my side. Never failing to support me. 20 years and going. I love you all. Thank you God for these people in my life. 20 years on earth was made joyful with these people around me. LORD, may it be a constant reminder to me that many has yet to be saved and up to this point, a large portion of my life has already been up. The rest may be long and it may be short. Only You know how much more I have to go. May You let the rest of my life not be one that's wasted away but one that glorifys and proclaims Your name.
Looking back, time has really flew by me. 20 years. It is an age of transition. I am no longer a teenager, yet not legally an adult.
Today was a happy day for me. I've gathered so many well wishes from so many people. Makes me feel loved. Haha.
Thank you Ling Hui, Kendra, Ming Hui and Song Lee for the surprise birthday song last night. It was sweet. Wasn't expecting that from any of you all especially when you all are busy mugging away for your important exams.
S2 Branch and the 3 PAs. You guys rock! You all are the best bunch of colleagues and friends I can ever ask for! S2 sir! You're the best boss I ever had! You've never treated me like a surbordinate but a respected officer that is honoured enough to work hand in hand for you. Thank you sir!
Benjamin! My branch's new specialist! He is so nice! Gave me an oval board sticked with all my pictures! I am surprised how he got them but he is resourceful. Nice guy and hardworking!
This is what Benjamin made for me! Nice right? He is one sweet guy man. All these were hand made. On top of that, he brought me a book. "Mentoring Paradigms" by Edmund Chan.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Do you know what I feel like now?
I feel like a piece of rubber band, being pulled to the limit. The tension is there, waiting to be released. I am filled with potential energy, waiting for it to be converted into kinetic energy. I can't wait any longer, I want to be released! I want to be released so that I can fly out into the air and soar high up. I want to unleash that potential that has build up within me for so long. So long... It has been almost 2 years and it is all coming to an end soon. I can't wait! I wanna be free!
16 more weeks and counting...
Friday, October 10, 2008
Dear LORD,
I really want to thank you for putting me in such a position. It is a privileged position to be in. You put me in a position to make decisions. You see to it that my decisions changes their life. They may not notice it, but it is a joy to see their positive changes. May You continue to grant me the wisdom, to lead and serve them in every way that is pleasing in Your eyes. May You grant me the love to love them, even when things starts falling apart. Let me help them regain their confidence LORD. Let me take away the despise that has fallen upon them. Let me lift up their heads high up again. People may have given up on them, but give me the courage to challenge them, to challenge them to meet You in the eye LORD. I may not leave a legacy behind, but may I leave Your footprints in their lives LORD.
I thank you LORD Father. Lead me as you will...
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Went to Songlee's blog and feeling bored, I heeded his advice and attempted this personality quiz that he did too. This was what http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx said about me.
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
Success in your career is not the most important thing in life. You are content with what you have and think that being with someone you love is more than spending all of your precious time just working.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
I must say it is rather accurate but it is still only 45% me. 5% due to inaccuracy and 50% short of my bad points. We all have bad points that are seldom highlighted in these test aren't they? Can't think of them right now but will share with you some day. For the time being, it was quite fun doing that personality test. Like what Songlee said, try it if you're bored. Haha.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
LORD, I am drifting away from you. Hold me LORD, no matter how much I struggle to drift away from you LORD, please don't let go. Hold tightly LORD, please don't let me go. I'm afraid to be away from you. Just give me some time to sort myself out LORD. Don't let go of me Father, don't let go...
Sunday, September 07, 2008
It was funny. I started telling my mum how mad I was at her when I was a kid. She stuffed me with all the crazy things for breakfast. The typical breakfast for me every morning was a chicken patty the size of my palm, an egg and a glass of milk. Sometimes, it can be coupled with wholemeal bread or some bakery. It was madness and I am surprised how my stomach survived through those ordeal. Lunch and dinner were worst. There were times where she fed me half a chicken for dinner! I was only pri 4 then... Each time I told her I couldn't take it any more she would just say, "Eat!". Then I'll go on whining. When I told her how I felt then, she laughed so badly.
She then told me how cute me and my sis were when we were young. Before she sent us to school in the afternoon, me and my sis would bug her to play our favourite audio cassette and listen to all the stories. She told me how my sis and I would plead her to let us finish the cassette before going to school even though we were running late. I laughed at myself. It should've been a funny scene back then.
Looking back at my childhood, I realised I'm a very blessed child. I was able to grow up in a very harmonious home with loving parents. Even though it wasn't the best that they've given me, it was definitely their best. In my heart, that was the best. My dad and mum was always there for me. They encouraged me when I didn't do well for my exams. They loved me all the more even when I hurt them the most. They forgave me readily when I made mistakes even though I didn't feel apologetic. They listened openly to my worries and gave me the most truthful advice.
Till today, my parents still love me like a kid. My mum still overfeeds me every weekend I go home for dinner. In their heart, I'll always be that little boy, their little boy. They are the people I know that will never turn back on me, no matter what the circumstances are.
Daddy and mummy, this is for you, "I LOVE YOU BOTH!!!" :)
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Don't you think life's like a maze?
I've imagine life's just like a maze. We are like players in this maze. When we were born, healthy and strong, it seems as though we are like new players being inserted via the entrance of this mind boggling maze. As we proceeded inside the maze, the longer we are in it, the more tired we get as we are without food and water to sustain our bodies. However, right smack in the centre of this gigantic maze lies a fountain of water. It flows endlessly with the water of life. Anyone who drinks from it will never thirst again and a living stream will flow within him or her. This fountain is lighted by a huge flame, one that can be seen from miles and miles away. It serves as a guiding light for whoever is within this gigantic maze. Thus, as players in this maze, we need to head towards this burning flame which brings us to this fountain of life.
Every decision we make in life, is like a decision we make within this huge maze. Is it a left turn or a right turn? Each turn spells a new experience around the corner. It could be meeting a new person playing within this maze too. It could be new oppurtunities. It could be new experiences. It could be adversities. It could be sadness waiting to pounce upon you. It could even be meeting the love of your life, one who would continue to walk the rest of the maze with you. He or she could bring you nearer to the fountain of life, or away from it.
In times where we make a wrong turn, are we going to continue going the wrong way, or are we brave enough to stop and move back, starting again from where we last recognised. When adversity pounced upon us, are we just gonna stand there and sob, or are we strong enough to fight it back and move on? Every corner is unknown. We do not know what's in place for us the next turn, the next bend. Only faith and courage ensures that we do not falter and have the heart to press on, knowing that the final goal is the gift of life.
Some people are able to find their way through this messy confusion. In the end, they were accorded worthy of being able to drink from this fountain of life. But many others, lose their determination and focus. They start to wander away from the fountain of life. The burning flame gets furthur and furthur. The many wrong decisions they make in their life, the wasting lifestyle they live. Drinking, lusting, becoming a slave to money and pride. They live a life of debauchery and laziness. In the end, they just die of thirst within this maze, shrivelling and rotting at some unknow dead end.
Some of us might be badly injured while playing in this maze. Our frail hearts were unable to withstand such hardship. Just then, someone comes right next to you. He picks you up and tend to your injuries. He carries you on His back and slowly but surely, brings you into the fountain of life. When you reach the fountain of life, you started drinking from it and your injuries were fully healed. You were overjoyed and you remembered the person who carried you. You wanted to thank Him but He was nowhere to be seen. Just then, you remembered somewhere out there, there was a verse you read before...
..."Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
John 4:13-14
Indeed, you were not thirsty again. Fully regenerated, you found the joy of this fountain of life and wanted to bring others to this fountain. It is too good to be missed! With a joyful heart, you head back into the maze, hoping to meet someone in there and bring him or her to the fountain of life. There will be many you'll meet. Some will hate you. They'll hate you because they do not trust you to bring them to the fountain of life. Some will hate you because you found the fountain of life and out of their own pride, refuses your help. However, there are a few that will trust you, because you were true and sincere in your words and in your deeds. Just like how He carried you, you carried the person to the fountain of life. But be careful not to make the wrong turn, or you would carry the person away from the fountain of life and he or she will start losing his or her trust in you. Every decision you decide, every turn you turn, it matters...
Sometimes, you stop and inhaled in deeply. You wandered to yourself, "What is that foul smell?" It was a pungent smell. The smell of death, the smell of rotting corpse. Then, you'll realised, how many of them didn't make it to the fountain of life. You push on, because you know that every second you waste not helping someone, somebody would just collapse in one corner of the maze and they're left there to die.
With so much being said, what kind of player are you?
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Never hide your mistakes, because they aren't meant to be hidden. What do you learn from hiding your mistakes? You learn only how to conceal them furthur. You learn only how to push the blame to others.
On the contrary, shed some light onto your own mistakes. Let the world see it. Most importantly, let you yourself see it. Talk about it. Think about it. Reason about it. Understand the lessons learnt and face the music. We move on, feeling better, feeling enriched.
The bravest man is not one who is able to overcome the treacherous mountains and gain glory for himself. The bravest man is not one who is fearless in front of his enemies. The bravest man is not one who is able to topple the fiercest beast on earth. The bravest man, is one who is able to overcome his own mistakes, conquering the person within.
There is no fanciful ideology in this. It is a simple concept. Many a times, it is just a matter of whether we are brave enough to admit it.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Stayed at home today. It was a good rest from this long week. I just like it when I spend my saturday lazing around at home. Took some time to catch a movie with my parents in their room. The movie is called "Away From Her". It was a really good show and it touched me deeply.
This show revolves around a very simple yet realistic plot. It is about an old couple that have been married for 50 years. Their relationship have always been very loving and they were just like the model couple for all to follow. However, the wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease and she started losing memories. She started to lose memories of her husband. Slowly, they transited from lovers to strangers. It was a painful process filled with endless emotions that can never be described. 50 years of romantic love just faded away, yet at the same time, it surfaced a different kind of love from the husband towards his wife. I was touched.
It made me realise what I wanted in my future relationship. Really, love isn't just about now. It is about tomorrow, about steadfast loyalty. I feel for the husband when I saw how his wife that he loved so much slowly just forgot about who he is. Are we able to love our other half when they love us no more? It is a challenge, a test of faithfulness and the foundation of the love. I guess love isn't just about romance that is so overly depicted in movies nowadays. It is about stamina, the stamina of one's relationship, how long it can last life's journey.
Relationship is serious and not something to be flippant about. It is a serious committment from both parties, to be there for each other, in health or in wealth, for better or for worse. I guess God will prepare that special someone that will walk with me through life's tough journey, and I will walk with her too, till the end of our time......Till then, we'll meet someday.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
On Tuesday, I did the usual at 12pm whereby I ate lunch at my camp's cookhouse.
It was a delicious and satisfying meal, though I couldn't remember what I ate for that particular lunch. I then proceeded to empty my tray and plate in the washing area. As I was making my way to the wash basin, I saw a bird on a table, eating the remnants of food that was left on it.
A bird? What so special about it? As I was moving closer to it, it started to panicked. By nature, any bird should fly away but this bird didn't, or should I say it couldn't do so fast enough. To my horror, I saw the feet of the bird. It has no claws at all! It was just two little stumps jutting out of its body. It looked to me more like sticks than feet. The bird was all alone and it was staring at me with fear. After a while, it manages to slide off the table and flew away.
I was astound for a moment. I was thinking, what kind of bird was that! It looked weird and out of the norm. I then looked around me and I saw many other birds congregating, but the poor little bird 'stood' there all alone, isolated at one little corner. Why was the bird all alone? Was it because of its feet or the absence of them?
It hit me hard as I saw that sight. Somehow, I related it back to what I see around me every day. It seems to me that this world has a way of treating things that are different. We see how humans treat humans with physical disabilities. Whenever we see a person with cleft lips or distorted facial features, what comes into our minds? Sadly, for many of us, the first thought is always, " Eww, what a weirdo." We find it uncomfortable and we tend to avoid association with these people. How often do we offer our help to the blind when they are boarding a train? It seems to me more often than not, help was called for before it can be offered. Seldom do we see it the other way round. Is it always part of our natural instinct that we tend to shun away from people that are different, that are less fortunate as compared to us? What really is the real reason when we help these people? Is it to show to others how helpful and caring we are? Were the acts of kindness really genuine concern towards the unfortunate or were they just a show to glorify oneself? Are we like those birds that congregate around each other?
I find myself guilty of these at times too. On many occasions, I just shun away from a beggar with obviously 2 legs gone. Somehow, as the years go by, this heart of mine have grown cold. "Let him be!" says my heart for the love once present no longer lives within me.
His disciple asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."
John 9:2-3
LORD, I come before you with shame, for many times in my life I've stripped myself off the love that you clothed upon me. The mercy and grace you laid upon me was forgotten, resulting in my ignorance and arrogance towards the unfortunate. May you once again light up the passion within me, so that I may be filled with the great power of your love. Let me be the work of God, the work of God that will be displayed in their lives...
Forgive us LORD for our selfishness......
Sunday, July 13, 2008
This week have been another hectic week. I feel so drained...
I guess I have to hold it there. Patience is the key. A few more months and it will be over. I need to hold it there. God, give me the wisdom to walk through this stage of my life. Thank you for opening up my eyes and seeing so much that is lacking in me.
And the week starts all over again.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Yesterday was an interesting day for me.
After my church worship practice, I went down to Beach Road to get some stuff. After doing my shopping, I went down to the hawker centre to eat my all time favourite glutinous rice ball paste. I bought that $2 bowl of rice ball with peanut soup and sat down at one corner, enjoying the hot tasty dessert. It was really enjoyable, sitting there alone in the hawker centre eating my favourite dessert.
I then went on to The Concourse, only to realise that the shopping mall was closed. The whole place was closed and I found a corner with a bench. It was facing the south, where The Flier towered in the afternoon sky. It was breezy and the view was not bad. I just sat there alone, feeling the afternoon breeze. I then decided on reading a book there. It was so quiet and peaceful. I was reading "The Five People You Meet in Heaven". Quite an enjoyable read.
After an hour of reading, I felt tired and decided to do something that I would never have done. I took off my bag, laid it on the bench and I just lied on the bench like that was my bed. There was no one there, just me and the wind. I took a 20min nap there and got up feeling rather refreshed. Wow, that was fun...
I then decided to go down to Suntec to take a look at the PC show. IT WAS A HORRIBLE CHOICE. I went there only to be sandwhiched by an avalanche of people. Seriously, I never thought it would be so bad. It was either people trying to squeeze me away or me pushing them aside. I tried so hard to enter the exhibition area only to find myself looking at people and more people. I couldn't see a single set of electronics! Apart from the larger LCD TVs. There was a F1 car in the exhibition with some show girls. It was really funny because you see all the guys standing there taking out their cameras to snap pictures. I don't know whether it was the car or the girls that attracted them. You can see that every single guy had their head turned and STUCK on that exhibition area and the human traffic there just slowed to Lorris pace. I was trying to squeeze through the crowd but the guys just stood there rooted to the ground. It was a funny sight.
As I was typing this, it appeared to me that this isn't really interesting. But somehow, at the ground, it felt interesting. I think I enjoy solitude. It makes me feel like the whole world doesn't care about me and I can just take a step back to look at the things happening around me. It is just so interesting being a spectator as compared to a participant.
在过十四个小时, 我就要飞到"香鸡扒与奶茶乐园"去了。这三个星期我会想你们的，我的家人与朋友。上帝与你们同在。再见！！！！
Saturday, June 07, 2008
How much do you understand someone when he or she talks to you?
It seems to me that people can never fully understand people. Maybe we weren't made to understand each other? I don't know about you but sometimes I feel myself hearing people speak but never listening.
When people tell me their problems, I hear them. But I always ask myself this one question, do I really understand how they feel or the situation they are in? To me, no matter how hard I try, I can never feel the full extent of the pain being felt by someone else. It's just a mental register of what the person said but not how he or she feels.
The same goes when I tell others my problems. Sometimes, I really doubt if they are listening or do they even feel what I feel. When people say, "I feel for you.", it just doesn't strike me that they really feel for me. Their words feel empty. It carrys no substance nor does it carry any promises. It is only when their actions testify for their words do I feel comforted for their presence.
I asked myself, how much do I actually mean it when I say "I feel for you."? Many times I feel a sense of guilt welling up within me when I say those four words to someone in extreme pain and suffering, be it physically or emotionally. It just seems to be the most logical thing to say when someone is feeling bad. But we can never fully phantom the pain and agony that person is going through.
As usual, I started pondering on this issue. I came up with this drafted observation and analysis...
1. People's thoughts are either logical or emotional and emotional thoughts can be furthur classified into internally expressed and externally expressed.
2. Logical thoughts are thoughts that are tagged with practicality. They do not involve any feelings. They are basically the kind of thoughts that we produce when engaging with practical problems such as mathematical sums. Logical thoughts are structured and systematic. They are fed with indicators, like how a doctor does his diagnosis. He ask certain specific questions in a structured manner to attain indicators indicating that a person is suffering from a particular illness. Or it could be a student solving a mathematical question. He or she start by looking for indicators that may point to a certain method of solving the question. Does the question allow me to solve it upfront or do I need to engage it with an algebraic method? What are the data that is given to me and what formulas can I apply? A logical thought cease to exist upon the lack of indicators. If the student is unable to sieve out any useful information or data needed for a particular method of solving the mathematical problem, he or she will just give up on the thought of using that method and move on to look for alternatives.
3. Emotional thoughts are thoughts that are filled with emotions (duh..). With that I mean they consists of emotions such as anger, sadness, happiness etc. But the very nature of emotional thoughts makes it hard to explain it in words. It is not something that can be explained. It can only be understood by the person producing this thought. It is like when I tell someone I love this girl, it could simply mean this wonderful connection I have with her. I feel this immense attraction to her and that's why I love her. But to the person I am telling this to, he takes on a very different approach. He'd probably be analysing the factors involve, like asking why does Young love this particular person? Maybe he think she is hot, or maybe he likes her intelligence. Maybe he thinks her eyes are beautiful or maybe he likes the way she talks to him, you know, after knowing him for years as a friend, I know what type of personality appeals to him. I think I know what kind of character he is being attracted to. As you can see by now, this friend of mine I am speaking to is unable to understand how I feel. Why? It is because he is trapped in his logical state of mind. To me, it simply means an attraction to the girl but to him, he is unable to feel the attraction because he is not me. So he resort to his very logical state of mind to try to understand what I said to him. He studies the subject, which in this case is the girl and he starts putting in his own inputs and deductions. These are called indicators. He starts studying things like the physical features of the person, her character and he starts bringing in previous experience with me such as previous conversations or MSN exchanges to form a linkage of indicators, spot a trend and finally come out with a conclusion, his own conclusion. But what he came out with may or may not be what I feel! Because his thoughts are bias towards his own opinion and deductions, not mine.
4. Internally expressed emotional thoughts are what you keep within yourself, like guilt and admiration towards a person. Externally expressed emotional thoughts are like anger and happiness. It is relatively easier to identify externally expressed thoughts as compared to internally expressed thoughts. This is due to the inherent weakness of our thoughts. If you haven't already notice, the point I am trying to drive at is this, we are logical thinking bias. Our thoughts need to be fed by indicators. Simply put, we tend to take the logical approach because we prefer to begin with a platform. We do not like thinking without basis. We like to have something concrete, commonly known as evidence to arrive at a conclusion. Just like a doctor doesn't like to feel that the patient is suffering from cancer. He needs evidence such as tests to show that it is indeed cancer. Thus, with this obsession with indicators, it is easier for us to identify with externally expressed emotional thoughts because these thoughts are tagged with more indicators. You know a person is annoyed if he is frowning. The frowning is an indicator. But for a person feeling guilty, you may or may not see it because the outward expression of his guilt isn't that obvious. That is more of a internally expressed emotion.
I then realised why we don't really understand each other. I also realised why I can't understand others. When we lock ourselves in this logical state of mind, it hard for us to understand things that are not logical. I am not trying to say that logical thoughts are of a lower class of thinking. It is just that logical thoughts has its limits to its application. When it comes to trying to understand the needs and feelings of someone, maybe taking the logical approach isn't that feasible. I think a balance of both would probably be helpful? It is like when my mum ask me about her new hairstyle, logically to me it is just a few alterations to her curls or colour. But that is not what she is looking for. When she asked the question "How is my new hair look?", she doesn't want me to analyse the hairstyle, she just wants me to acknowledge her effort in improving her looks. So probably saying that this hairstyle doesn't suit her isn't a very good idea because that is not what she is looking for. If we use out emotional thinking abilities to approach this question, we would have identified that she is not there to gain logical deductions of her hair but to gain emotional support and acceptance of her new look.
It seems to me that it is not easy to understand people. But I realised there is somebody who is able to phantom exactly what we know and how we feel. For those who knows me well enough you would probably know who I am talking about. To some of you out there, he is your best friend too and you would agree as to what I am about to say. This person understands me totally. He knows when I feel depressed or when I am feeling happy. He listens and he understands. He really do understand. When he says "I feel for you.", he means it and I feel comforted. He keeps to his promises and never fail to listen to me. He has also proven to be true, and he goes all the way to help me or should I say save me. Which of you out there would lose your life to save me? This person speak with his actions and his words are not empty. He lost his life just to do me a favour, and this favour saved me. When I talked about understanding people's pain, he is the one who sets the perfect standard. He is always there for me.
I don't know if you know this person, or do you even bother. This person understands us totally, yet we can never fully understand him. Why? Because you and me are just not worthy enough to do so. We think so highly of ourselves, thinking we are able to understand others, but are we really capable of doing that? It is this arrogance that blinds us from understanding him, even denying him. This person is more than a person. He is not a person because a person can't understand people fully. He understands every single thing about us. Internally expressed emotions are of no difficulty to him. So who is he(He)......? He lives with us, He lives in us. But we threw Him out of us because we didn't understand Him, we didn't understand Him, our fore fathers hated Him because they didn't understand Him.
I don't know if this post of mine made any sense to you. But those who truly understands me would be able to understand what I wrote here, if not, this post would have probably wasted 10 minutes of your life, especially the last part because the last part isn't something logical, it is very emotional and very integral part of me and only those who truly understands Him would understand what I've written.
Really, this is just me, do you understand......?
Sunday, May 25, 2008
"Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains. Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached to the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come."
Matthew 24:7-14
This were the words of our LORD Jesus to His disciples some time before He was handed over to be crucified. It didn't had much impact on me before, until recently.
News of the Sichuan earthquake and the Cyclone Nargis that hit Mynmmar spread quickly. It was heart aching for me when I read through the papers and watched the news reports. It seriously was. I can't help asking myself what made me so special that God chose to put me on this little island called Singapore. All around her were tragdies and yet, she was unharmed. It wasn't by chance that God had put me here.
I was asking God, why are there so many of such disasters happening? It wasn't too long ago when the prowess of the sea was unleashed on Indonesia during the tsumani disaster. Why do I live to see so much pain on earth? It wasn't until then that I remembered the passage from the Bible which I quoted from earlier.
Indeed, careful observation of the happenings around us testify that what Jesus said was true. We see wars and conflicts of differing magnitude happening around us. The Gulf War II, the Lebanon war, the uprising in Tibet etc. We see natural disasters of catastrophic nature striking more frequently. We see famines which in turn rocketed the price of basic commodities. Imagine us feeling the pinch of the rise in food prices, what's more for those in proverty stricken countries?
It is a demoralising world that we live in. There's a tendency to ask if God really exist. Why is He not preventing all these things from happening? Why? It is this tendency that lead us to doubt God and in turn, move away from our faith. People who didn't believe would not believe. Even those that used to believe would give up their faith.
The next question I asked myself, "Would I be the one who give up on Him?" I couldn't imagine my life without God. I couldn't imagine how wasted I would become without the guidance from God. It was by God's grace that He had given me so much. He gave me a comfortable life, an education many people would die for and a close knitted family. Was I more lovable than the people suffering in Africa or in China? I wasn't. Why then did God give so much to me. Only then did I realise something. God gave me so much so that I could give it to others. It was my responsibility and duty to give to others the blessing that God has showered upon me. I had to do something, something useful, something pleasing, something for God...
"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:30-31
I guessed I was like a baby eagle. God fed me, gave me shelter to live in. He took care of me, He protected me from harm. I grew in His love and grace, growing stronger each day. I am where I am today because of Him. I guess He is telling me I am ready to fly, to fly together with Him. I need to step out the fearful first step. It is like the baby eagle learning how to fly. His parents will not help him. What they have done they have done. It is now up to the baby eagle to take his first step out of the nest into the sky. There are 2 outcomes. He can stay in the nest forever and eventually die a useless eagle or he can overcome the fear of height and soar into the great blue sky. God has been kind of silent to me recently. I guess He is waiting for me to take the first step? I need to step out of my fear, my fear of the world and its vices. He is waiting...
I guess time is running out. There will be many decisions at this stage of my life that I have to make and God is watching. I guess His calling and instructions for me is very clear now. It is time I start planning, not for myself, but for God.
I've made up my mind, it is time......
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Today has been a very joyous day for me. I attended the wedding of my church mates, Cynthia and Moses. It was a very beautiful wedding.
Looking at both of them, I feel really happy. They were made to suit each other. The picture was perfect. It was like God made them for each other. The joy on their faces and the conviction in their voices during the Matrimony testifed their strong love for each other. I really thank God for their loving bond. Congratulations Cynthia and Moses! May the both of you continue to grow in God's unfailing love and continue to serve Him with such zeal, testifying for His name and live as a living sacrifice.
During the course of the Holy Matrimony ceremony, what touched my heart was the word of Pastor Chua. He quoted from the Bible, " ...Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.", Song of Songs 3:5. It really serve as a reminder to me of what kind of attitude I should have in seeking a loving relationship. Finding your other half is something we cannot force onto or something we cannot control. You can't just find a person and expect that you'll be able to nurture a loving relationship with her. God's intervention must be in play. Only with God's participation in bonding two souls as one can we see a truly blossoming and long lasting relationship. Our relationship should be one that glorify God and not one of self seeking purposes. Moses and Cynthia exemplified the importance of such a belief. May God continue to bless them and shower them with love.
Honestly speaking, at this age, I am always wondering when will she come into my life. There have been doubts and there have been considerations but I've yet to find out who is she. I guess today's wedding served as a strong reminder to me as to what kind of attitude I should be carrying with regards to this issue.
Dear LORD Father, may you grant us the patience and trust in you that you'll always know what's best for us. Sometimes with our own will we tend to take matters into our own hands, resulting in more pain than joy as compared to when we started off. Give me the wisdom and give me the patience in handling my emotions, so as to know that whatever I do will be in accord to your will. May my prayer also call out to all brother and sisters in Christ, to carry the same kind of attitude and patience when it comes to relationship, and to shun ourselves alway from the temptation of the world, where godlessness thrive in meaningless unions and relationships.
Amen
A beautiful marriage in God, a priceless reminder, I thank you LORD...
Friday, April 11, 2008
What does it take to be a true friend?
It doesn't matter if you are able to share his joys with him or have fun with him. When times are happy, it is easy to stay close to a friend and be around him. Where there is fun and happiness there are always friends around.
But among these people that surround you, how many can be labelled as your true friends? Deep down in their words you know that they would not lie to you. They do not call you 'brother' and force you into doing something you don't wish to do. When you feel tired and wants to stop for a rest, they would not push you any furthur. They would not force you into feeling bad about not joining them for certain things. They understand you. They do not need you to put words explicitly in order for them to understand how you feel. They truly understand you, just by listening to your tone and observing you.
They'll be there for you in times of toughness. When all else seem hopeless they give you a sense of hope. When times are dark they become the light. They will not give up on you even when you give up on yourself. These are people whom we call true friends.
Look around you, are they true friends? Look at yourself, are you a true friend? I don't know, I certainly do not live up to such a standard. At times, I really feel like I am tired of seeing people around me and I just want to be alone for a while. Too much lies have been told to me and too much disappointment I've seen. Sometimes it just seems like my friends may not be that true as what I perceive them to be. But then again, such expectations are just so not a true friend. True friends accept others for what they are.
A confusing feeling I guess. Days like these and emotions as such are so common for me nowadays. I never felt so disillusioned about such things before. Where was that optimism of mine just a few years back. Have things changed so much or have I changed. Is it me or is it them?
I guess I ain't looking for an answer. I just need some peace and quiet time from all these tangling emotions of human. Just how messed up and fragile we humans are. Always thinking about ourselves and not others. This is how screwed up we are. The older we get, the more selfish we get. Horrible. I ain't wanting to join in this quest of self seeking ego. I need to be different from how these people behave. No matter how hard it is, I will stick to my true self.
Sometimes, I just think that God put some confusions in my life in order for me to find out more about myself. It's just so complicated......
Sunday, March 30, 2008
I've just been thinking recently, what I've been through in my life so far. When I sit down to reflect upon the many events in my life, I realised I have much to thank for.
Really, life has been very smooth for me so far. There is really nothing for me to complain about. I've got nice clothes and good food all my life. I've got a lovely family and a bunch of incredible friends. I've had a wonderful education that many would dream of. I've got a wonderful NS experience so far and life as an officer has been very fulfilling. Many people want to go into OCS but they couldn't because of medical reasons, which brings me to the next point, my health has always been good. I've never had any major illness or injuries.
Sometimes I ask myself who am I to deserve all these. God has given me so much and treated me with such love and care. Most importantly, God gave His only son for me. But what have I given LORD? I gave him sadness and disappointment. I realised that many a times, the low points in my life are all results of my disobedience and misjudgements. I make the wrong choices and I make the wrong judgements. Sometimes, I even blame God. But God reamained patient towards me. Who am I to receive such attention from the Holy God Almighty? Really, who am I?
Some of you reading this may find it mundane and find it boring. You may even find it stupid. Why is Lim Young writing these things over and over again? God here God there, what is he trying to prove? He must be writing all these just because he has nothing interesting to write. All I have to say is that this posting comes from the bottom of my heart. I really appreciate what God has given me, how he TREMENDOUSLY changed my life. Without God, my life would be in ruins. I really cannot picture how I can live a proper, dignified life without Him. As long as there is one oppurtunity and one breath in me, I want to proclaim LORD's greatness and kindness.
It is time for me to consider seriously what I can give to the LORD. It is time I consider what I want to do in my life. The picture is clear. There are so many people out there that lives a life unimaginable to many of us here. They live in fear and hunger, dirt and thirst. It would be selfish of me to just sit here and continue to think of ways to lead a better life for myself. It is time for me to strive for a greater purpose.
My goal is clear and my purpose is forged. I WANT TO LIVE FOR YOU LORD...... Help me oh LORD.
Monday, March 17, 2008
I hate that feeling. It's been some time since I last felt it. I feel alone. When I say alone, I do not mean physical lonliness, I mean spiritual lonliness.
I hate it. I just hate it when I feel like God is nowhere in my life. The feeling is horrible. I do not enjoy His company any more. Not because I hate Him or what but He is just not there! I can't seem to find Him. I seem to depend less on Him nowadays. Sometimes I wonder, why is God not there anymore. Why isn't He talking to me. Even when I try to talk to Him, His whispers are just too soft for me to make any sense out of it.
Sometimes I just ask myself if my actions are glorifying Him any more. I missed the times where I just felt so confident in Him, I don't feel like that anymore. Negative emotions well up in me very easily nowadays. I used to give in to people, nowadays, I can't even take an insult. Where's there perseverance, where's that determination? Life seems so angsty to me.
I need to rekindle the lost flame. I need to do something about it. I know exactly where the problem lies, but I've just lost the discipline to it. I am both physically tired and mentally tired, yet, God's word is what I need. Prayer is just what I need. I know what to do, but my heart is weak and lazy, so much so I just compromise to what Satan wished I did. I need the discipline to pray and read the bible again. I have a lot of work to do to get back what I used to be. I will take this no longer.
I am determined to fend off Satan, no matter how hard it is. God, grant me the strength and discipline I need, I really miss you LORD...
Sunday, March 09, 2008
昨夜, 我与我的朋友一同到维多利亚剧院去观赏华中一年一度的《黄城夜韵》。在我求学时，我是从来没有观赏过《黄》的戏剧。
观赏了这一部戏剧后，我感到十分欣慰。看到学弟学妹们的演出，不难了解他们所花费的心思与付出的精力，《黄》的确是他们呕心沥血之作。他们年轻有活力的演出，完全体现出少年的奔放与青春。看到他们，不禁让我想起两年前的我。我当时也与他们一样过着求学的生活，那种感觉是多么自由，多么的新鲜，每天我都沉浸在自我探索中。生活天天是种新体验。
《黄》的确是一向非常有意义的活动。它提供了学生一个能表现演技与语文掌握的平台。学生从中能对华文产生深一层的兴趣。我对华中发扬中华文化的努力感到非常骄傲。我真心的希望，《黄》的精神能发扬光大，为新加坡华文教育进一份力。
我为华中感到骄傲，但原华中也为我感到骄傲。 ：）
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Am I happy or sad? I really don't know.
Can't seem to figure out how I feel nowadays. My feelings are just so numb. I used to have lots of aspirations and dreams. Somehow, my life in army made me chuck it all away behind my mind. I just get so tired. I get so tired to think about anything. Every time I enter my bunk, all I can think of is sleep. I used to visualize what I want to do and what I want to be 20 years down the road. Now, I seldom look beyond 24 hours. My life is just so busy but never fulfilling.
Admist all these emotions, I come to realise the reason behind all these. The things that I am doing now serve little or no benefits to me in realising my goals and aspirations. It is an important lesson for us here...
If you are busy with things that you don't like, life would be miserable for you. As in my case, I am doing things I have no interest in. No matter how much heart and soul I put into them, I just don't feel like I have acheived something useful out of it, simply because I ain't interested in it. This is sadly the case for many people around. They plunge into careers that they simply have no clue about. They take up a degree simply because it has prospects. At the end of the day, they lose interest in their job because they lack the passion for it. That is really painful. Imagine doing something you have zero interest in for 20 years of your life. That is really horrible.
I am only doing this for 1yr 10 mths and I am going crazy already. It is really a reminder to me. We should really try as much as possible, to go for things we are really passionate in our life. We cannot afford to trade our happiness for things we are not interested in. If someone tells you to become a doctor but deep inside you, you always wanted to be an artist, go for it. Because I know the feeling of not doing something you want. It is really horrible. With zero interest in it, how can you excel in the job you are doing?
All in all, I conclude, this is a very random post......
Monday, January 28, 2008
I just came back from Thailand yesterday morning. Boy, 21 days in Thailand just flew past like this. I now find myself back on Singapore soil again. I have only one conclusion, there is no place like home!
The food in Thailand is really just not for me. I got a mild stomach upset there and I end up back here with flu. Dang, Thailand is just not for me man haha. By right, we should be doing loads of shopping but the Rest and Recreation time given to us was so short and all planned! I ended up visiting museums and watching a cobra show -_-... It was really a pity that I couldn't do some decent shopping there. I also found out that I am someone who is very bad at bargaining. I bought 2 pillow cases for 380 baht, down from the original 500 baht. To my horror, I went to another shop and the shop offered me 200 baht! That was before bargaining! My friend laughed at me saying I am too innoncent. Always kena cheated. Just take it that I am doing some charity work for the locals there yeah? I will not be cheated again...... haha
Training was tough but fulfilling. I finished all my exercises and that calls it a close to all the exercises I have in OCS. Six more weeks and I will be comissioning on the SAFTI parade square. The past 32 weeks have been an experience. Really can't imagine going through all that one more time. My comissioning parade is on 15 March 2008. This has been the the day I have been waiting for the past 32 weeks. The time is finally coming.
Comms ball is on 22nd March 2008 Shangri-La hotel. I have yet to find a date....... I am so lazy.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
I am flying off yet again...
Barely a few weeks back from Brunei, I am not flying off to another country for training. Thailand. It is going to be tough, but it will be fun I guess! I've never been to Thailand before. I'll miss my parents so much. My sis is coming back too! Will miss her too...
3 weeks is not going to be short. I've got to hold on just a little more and before I know it, comissioning parade will be here. I just pray that God will take care of me and not let anything affect my comissioning.
Me and my brothers conquered Brunei, now it is for Thailand and very soon, we will be parting. Time flies and I really treasure the times we had. These are the people that been through hell with me. Let's make Thailand a memorable trip!!
Here I go again......
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
What have you been doing in the first morning of year 2008? I didn't do anything spectacular. I just slept through the morning, waking up only at 1045am. 2008 or 2007, what's the difference?
To me, 2008 or 2007 doesn't make much of a difference. It is just merely a change of numbers on our calenders, our watches, our computers, our computer OS, clocks... As the rest of the world immerse themselves in an atmosphere of partying and drinking, I choose to be alone. The solitude of oneself expecting the new year can be very therapeutic. It is a good start to a new year ahead. I foresee a tough year ahead.
Humans are contradictory. Why give so much emphasis to a change in year when days, hours, minutes, seconds of time are wasted away, sitting in front of the TV doing nothing? I myself am guilty of such unproductivity. It just took me a few minutes of my life to realise how much have been wasted in 2007. I am making sure that doesn't happen in 2008. Such discrimination against time shouldn't be happening. We should be treating every second of our life precious because time well spent is a life well planned. What do you plan to do with your life? Where do you see yourself few years down the road? Procrastinate no more, get up and live a life with a purpose. Don't be a CO2 producing being, at least don't let that CO2 just contribute to global warming. Make sure that when the earth becomes warmer because of you, you are at least giving something back in return, something useful.
If you ask me, I am so looking forward to 2009. It is a year where I'll start realising my dream. So much to do yet so much left undone. Make do with me 2008. If you ask me what's the difference is 2008 from 2007, I would say the difference is YOU...
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Today has been a rather meaningful day out with my parents. I shall let the picture do the talking...
A beautiful skyline scenery from the Singapore Museum.
Some really nice shophouses I saw along the road. :)
Friday, December 21, 2007
The past 2 days have been not bad for me. Last night, I went out with my OCS platoon mates to catch a movie. There was Barry, Mark P, Luke and his twin brother Mark. We caught the movie "Across the Universe" in cineliesure at 2310. It was a late night show and we ran out of options on what movie to watch. In the end, we were kind of left with only one choice.
To be honest, I was kind of skeptical as to how good the movie was. There was no trailer about it, and it wasn't as popular as compared to the big hits like The Golden Compass, National Treasure 2 and Warlords. Much to my surprise, the movie was very good and I mean VERY GOOD. It was more like a musical kind of thing. The director of the movie incorporated many Beatles songs to create this very intricate story about love, passion and dreams. It was a very refreshing experience. I strongly recommend this movie. The bunch of us who watched it were really impressed with the movie, especially Luke. The movie was like made for him... haha
Then come today. Today was a very busy day as I went rushing between CMPB and ICA. I had to settle concurrently my citizenship and visa for Thailand. I thought the whole thing would be very messy but much to my surprise, the whole thing went very smoothly. I started out by going CMPB to collect my blue ic, then I rushed down to ICA to do my sitizenship registration, followed by going down to the 5th floor to settle my Certificate of Identity for Thailand. I then rushed back to CMPB to collect back my 11B which I exchanged for my ic. I then went on to pass the Certificate of Identity to CMPB for visa application. I was surprised that it only took me from 0830 to 1234 to complete the whole process. I even applied for my passport. In Malaysia, just the passport itself will take from morning till late in the afternoon. I am so proud of Singapore. The efficiency is there. Everything was so crystal clear and simple. I really think that Singaporeans should be proud to have one of the most efficient govermental service in the world. It is really rare...
From today onwards, I will be known as a Singaporean. I am proud of it because Singapore gave me so much. Indeed, I feel so honoured...
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
It has been an eventful period for the past few weeks. I just got back from Brunei after attending the Jungle Confidence Course. I can't blog anything about it but I can tell you, I passed! So now, I have a JCC Badge upon my chest, Infantry Pride!
However, the greatest takeaway from this trip was not the badge itself. It was through this course that I really become more confident abour myself. I feel ever more stronger and tougher after all the gruelling experience. Sleeping alone in the rain takes much courage and endurance. I would say not many people will get the chance to do what I have done and it is something I'm really proud of.
As always, God never fail me. His strength was sufficient and His grace was plenty. Surprisingly, I didn't get much of a foot rot as some other people did. I didn't lose much weight either. I came out of the jungle injury free. For me, the course was rather smooth sailing. Though the weather was horrid, somehow I made it through, something that I myself find it hard to believe time and time again when I was stuck inside the horrible forest.
Nevertheless, the end of JCC means a step nearer to comissioning. For once, I can feel the 'Black Bar' within reach. I went to watch my friends' comissioning on the 15th of December. It was exhilarating. Knowing that I would be next makes me so excited.What seemed so distant 5 months ago seems so real now. What seemed impossible then seem so reachable now. A few more exercises and I am done. Very soon, I will be counting down to ORD, where I can finally do the things I really like and enjoy and not let my life be geared by some aimless situations.
Christmas is coming and 2007 is ending soon. This is just so freaky... 2007 felt like a month to me. A year never passed by so fast for me. Reflecting back upon this past year, some unknown emptiness just fills my heart. Something is missing. God seems to be missing. Admist the business, I chucked God to one side. God seemed so much like a commodity to me than a precious relationship. It feels horrible. It feels like God is walking behind me picking up the rubbish I am leaving behind, without saying a word while I totally ignore His existence. I took Him for granted, as though He was meant to clear up all my crap... that's all. My prayers became so routine and unsincere, always being rushed and seldom complete. Why? Why is this happening? The harder I try, the harder it gets...
This is going to stop. I need to find my way back to Him, I need to. All this time God has been very patient with me. I need to do something in return. God, this gonna be stopped. Help me......
Saturday, November 24, 2007
In 4 days time, I will be flying off to a land geographically not very far off from Singapore but I would say, mentally, almost in another world. It is the land of oil and golden toilet bowls... Brunei.
The purpose of this trip is to go for a training in the jungles of Brunei. The details of my training are classified so I can't tell you all about it but there is only one thing I can tell all of you, it is going to be tough. In fact, it could be the toughest part of my life yet. The challenges and the discomfort I would go through during this course would be one of a mega magnitude. For once in my life, I would be put into an environment unfamiliar to me. One which is harsh and tiring. I would be physically and mentally tested during this whole course, and it is really the time I find the strength in me to push on.
The wait for the time to come is in itself agonising. The fact that you know you will be going through crap in a few days time is painful. Now I understand how Jesus felt a few days before His death. His knowledge of the torture He would be going through is agonising and it bothered Him a lot, just that He called out to God. Of course, my pain is uncomparable to what Jesus faced. In fact, it is minute and puny in comparison. Hai... it just goes to show how weak we are...
Nevertheless, I am prepared to go for this trip. The end result would be sweet I know. If nothing goes wrong, the end would be a very very enjoyable one. It could be the highest point of my time as a Cadet. Yet, my ultimate goal in this trip is not to achieve the requirements of this course. My ultimate aim in this trip is to put my faith into test, to test that I am able to stay strong and faithful to God in this whole trip. I will trust in Him in all situations and let His guiding hand lead me. I want to come out of this trip a stronger Christian than before. I negelected Him for too long and when I am alone in the forest all wet and dirty, what better way than talk to Abba Father? He cares, He warms, even when I am cold...
NS has thrown me many challenges within such a short span of time. I'll take them down one by one. I am ready, see you guys in 2 weeks time......
Friday, November 09, 2007
If one day you look back at what you've done in your life, what do you see?
If the next moment you are going to die......
If the next moment you'll never see your love ones again......
If the next moment you'll never be able to walk again......
If the next moment you'll never be able to see again......
If the next moment you don't have a job......
If the next moment you don't have money......
If the next moment you don't have time.......
If the next moment you'll never see her again......
If the next moment you'll never kiss her lips again......
If the next moment you'll never hold his warm hands again.......
If the next moment you'll never be able to look into his eyes again......
If
the
next
moment......
Wait no longer. Treasure what you have and the people around you, because you'll never know... the next moment.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Indeed time flies... I am now 19 years old. I've barely felt 18 and I am already 19. Time just doesn't wait does it?
My birthday passed on thursday. This birthday is a very different one. It was my first birthday as an NSF man. It was indeed very very different. In fact, it didn't felt like it was my birthday at all. I was appointed the Cadet Platoon Sergeant for my platoon this week and needless to say, I was rushing all around just to get things done. My birthday was spent settling all the stores for our upcoming training. My birthday was spent shouting commands to the platoon. My birthday was spent rushing against time, this was my 19th birthday.
This birthday acted as a reminder to me as to how much I've grown up. I am 19 this year and in one year's time I will be officially declared off the teenager group. This birthday taught me the need for me to start taking up responsibilities. It reminded me that I am no longer a young kid. I am becoming an adult. I can no longer depend on others to survive. Others need to start depending on me.
Slowly but surely, the responsibility for me to take total charge on my life is settling in. I've seen the toughness of life. As I begin to approach adulthood, I believe that life will start throwing more challenges ahead of me. All I can say is that I need to put away the kiddish mindset behind me and start thinking of ways to navigate through my life. Needless to say, God will be my compass and light. I am ready...
A tough week lies ahead of me as a series of training and exercises awaits me. I'll have no book out next week due to training. Well, a positive mindset is what will bring me through. Take things in its stride and see how it goes! Tough times don't last but tough men do.
What a 19th birthday...
Sunday, October 07, 2007
This have been a tough week. Both physically and mentally draining for me. I shared the SOC testimony at church today and I did it because I really felt the presence of God with me. Jumping from a time of 9.27min to 8.47min is not something I can do alone, definitely...
People might not believe in you. They might say you cannot make it. They might laugh at you, they may not trust you... But always listen to the Voice of Truth. This is a really nice song. It really encompasses the kind of focus we should have in our lives towards committing to the LORD and not the nonsensical voices of this evil era.
To all who are weary and seek peace, look for Him for shelter. I found it all in Him, so can you. The Voice of Truth...
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Last night, I was lying on my bed reading my Newsweek magazine. It was around 11pm and all was calm and serene. I was very much enjoying the solitude. Seldom do I get some time for myself.
Suddenly, I heard a very loud screeching of car tyres. At that split second, the first thought in my mind was, " Oh please don't let this be an accident!". The moment the thought flashed past, I heard a very loud bang. What the...
I rushed to my window and there, in front of me at the road was a taxi that was obviously banged. But that didn't catch my attention. What caught my attention was a crowd that was forming in the bushes opposite the road. I saw no mangled car in the bushes. I thought to myself, "Oh crap, that is a very long distance from the crashed taxi to the bushes. I see no mangled car and it could only mean one thing, in the bushes was either a person or a person with a motorbike." That is hell lot of a crash. The distance was about 50m away! I was literally stunned. I stood there aghast.
The next moment I found myself praying to God that let no lives be lost. Apparently it was a very serious accident and soon, ambulance, fire engines and police cars came. At that moment, I just stood there and watched the drama unfold. I couldn't see what was happening in the bushes but my imagination just ran wild. Never in my life have I came across an accident of such magnitude.
What if the person was me? What if it was my family or any of my loved ones? What if it was my friend? Life is so unpredictable. One moment ago I was lying on my snuggy bed and the next moment, I am caught so aback. I know not the person involved but the very pain of his or her parents, wife or husband, children... I felt it. It was uncomfortable. I started to fear. I feared because I realised how much in my life is left undone and any day any moment, death would just come looking for me. I realised how weak I am. I realised how many people I can't bear to leave...
I fully understood the meaning of a life changing moment. It was a life changing moment for many I believed. It was an experience that pierced right into me, reminding me of the many things I have yet to do. Time is not on our side, we've got to treasure what we have because any moment, every thing will change.
This incident allowed me to prod even deeper. I asked myself once again what in the world am I here for. Indeed, many are still out there not knowing who my Father is. Indeed, much is left undone. I am once again reminded about the goal in my life, something I have fail to visit nowadays when I am in army. There is no time to lose, I've got to keep on going...
Really, life is just a mockery. Things happen as when they happen. The randomness is what causes so much pain and misery. Yet, it is this very unpredictable pattern in life that makes this life of ours so interesting. Such a mockery, such an irony...
Thursday, September 20, 2007
I walked and I walked, not knowing when it would end. The pain was just numbing. It became part of me throughout the whole course of marching...
I kept asking myself when would all these end. The pace was fast but my the journey never seemed to end. I came to a point whereby I don't know what I was doing. I let my body mechanism take the lead. I just shuffled my feet blindly, all the way.
The thing about marches is that they are always a test of our mettle. It is also a test of friendship. The kind of bond in us was immense. I could see the fighting spirit in us all. There were times where people would feel like falling out but the platoon mates just kept pushing them on. Some of us help lift up their field packs. Some of us held out our hands to pull the guy forward so that he don't fall back behind the platoon.
My instructor told us, " When we march, we march off as one, we march back as one. It is not a race. Remember this, you are only as strong as the weakest person in the platoon and you are only as fast as the slowest person in the platoon. Route marches is not about completing it. It is about completing it TOGETHER..."
Seldom would anyone associate a bunch of smelly guys in green together as a touching scene. But I was touched. I was touched by how we are all so strong, an unseen strength welling from within. I was touched by how we cheered one another on. So what if we are all smelly and dirty and wet and what say you, I will remember these scenes as one of the memorable ones in my life. 40 guys all marching for each other. 40 guys living for each other. 40 guys training for each other. 40 guys singing for each other. 40 guys fighting for each other...
My service term is coming to an end. A chapter is closing and a new one is unfolding. I know not what professional term can bring, but I know I have my buddies to go on. At times we may become too tired and turn selfish, but we shoud forgive each other because inside that horrible place, we only have ourselves to depend on. Hop on guys, professional term here we come!
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Recently, I attended the funeral of Cpt Ho Si Qiu, a PC in OCS who collapsed after reaching the end point of the AHM.
It was indeed an unexpected experience. Amidst our busy schedule, suddenly an incident as such pops up, it left many of us lost for words. It left me thinking, what if I die tomorrow, or even the very next moment...
What kind of message do I want to send across my death? Would I want people mourning for me and grieving my disappearance? After much thought about it, I came up with a conclusion.
I wouldn't want my funeral to be a mournful one. I want it to be an occasion whereby people will come face to face with reality. The reality is that we hold no power with our lifetime. With a snap of a finger and we can vanish from the surface of this world. I want people to find peace in death, because death in itself is a relief from this troublesome world. It is for the better that death has overtaken me, for I know that I have a better world out there than this one...
I will always strive to gain entry to this beautiful paradise. Our Lord Jesus overcome the power of death, putting our faith in Him allows us to find peace in death. Mourning is for the people without hope. They conclude that it all ends here. I don't want that to happen in my funeral. If I die the next moment, take comfort that I kept the faith and did my best for LORD.
Also, I would want my funeral to become a platform for the Word of God to be shared to all present. I want them to hear the love of God, how much he sacrificed for us. I want them to hear how much God has done for my life and made me who I am. I don't need a long testimonial of what kind of person I was or how much I have achieved in my lifetime. Because my life is so insignificant. My life is nothing compared to what God can give to us. Empty handed I came into this world and empty handed I would go. What I've done in the past would be meaningless to the present. My funeral could be put into better use other than mourning for something or somebody that would never come back as a being on this earth again.
I envision my funeral to be one that is filled with worship and joy. Let the world see how God's loving grace is able to take away our pain and grieve even in times of darkness. I would definitely want the pastor to do a gospel sharing. I would definitely hope that someone out there in my funeral will be touched by God's word and come to believe in Him.
Whatever the case, there is still much left undone for me. I have no time to lose, because any moment I would be gone. But let no time be spent on wondering when that will happen, because if you let the fear of death overtake you, nothing will be left completed. Once again, I submit my life to the Almighty, in Him I find peace.
So, you'll know what to do if I die tomorrow...... :)
Friday, August 31, 2007
Judegement...
How often have I judged you as a person?
How often have I judged you for the things you have done?
How often have I judged you based on my personal feelings?
Judgement...
Am I entitled to judge?
Who am I to judge?
Indeed. The judging heart of mine has surfaced again. I know not why I have become so judgemental nowadays. Come to think of it, I start to criticise and complain about the people and things around me. Maybe not openly but many a times silently inside my heart. I start to judge people, maybe because I myself feel like I am always being judged. Time and time again, I find myself being my snobbish self. No one sees it, but I keep on judging deep inside my heart.
I guess that's what happen when you stray away from God. Very often I find myself unable to talk to God. I find talking to Him a chore instead of it being a joy. I have not been doing my Quiet Time deligiently. I am just too tired to bother about Him.
I find myself walking blindly. I find myself not knowing what to do when things don't go my way. I find myself getting selfish and individualistic. I no longer depend on God to solve my problems.
I want to end this all. I want to come back to a heart of worship. I want to come back to you God. Forgive me for my transgressions.
To all those that I have judged and criticise, I apologise. To those who I've turned my helping hand away from you when you needed me, I seek your forgivness. Give me time to change myself.
Good bye judgement and selfishness...
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Sometimes, I really wonder what kind of leaders is Singapore producing for the next generation. It is a rather worrying sight.
Today, I took a chartered bus to some place for some activity. Due to confidentiality, I am unable to tell you exactly everything, but that is not the point. I guess you all more or less know what I am talking about. Basically, I had to take a chartered bus to some place with my 'counterparts'. We had to board a very old bus. This bus is really really old. It looked like it came from the 80s. What disgusted me was not the way the bus looked but how some people behaved. It was disappointing.
Some passengers of the bus actually laughed and complained about the condition of the bus. They started cracking stupid jokes and making fun of the bus, all these being done in front of the bus driver. They complained like some whiny kids, all because a functional bus looks old. It reminded me about some time back when we chartered a bus too. My counterparts actually found the bus too hot and shouted at the bus driver in a bossy tone, " Uncle! On the air con leh!". I was shocked and flabberghasted at the way they behaved. A total no respect for the driver and a sad portrayal of one's character.
So what if you came from a premium institute? So what if you are deemed as the elite of the organisation? Your very behaviour is a disappointment to me. Not that it bothers me that you have a screwed up attitude as an individual but of the fact that you were supposed to be nurtured as a leader. So what if you are fit and you are smart? Such attitude is not befitting of a leader. Is this the best Singapore can produce?
As much as I am disgusted by this issue, I have learnt to remind myself not to commit the same mistakes. Constantly, I will remind myself not to behave in such an uncaring manner. My judgement is futile if I do not live up to it.
I continue to wonder, how much longer do I have to put up with this...
Thursday, August 09, 2007
This few days passed by real fast for me. All thanks to National Day! I got to booked out because it is a public holiday.
Nothing much was done in camp. Had a test and some running and that's more or less about it. As the school term starts for many of my friends, they will be immersed back into their busy lifestyles again I guess. University is a period of discovery and change. Many of them will probably change a lot. Study hard, find a bf or gf, attend a CCA( there are so many of them!), it really seems like an exciting time ahead for them. Good luck to them!
As for me, day in day out I am doing stuff for the army. Enough of what I do inside as many of my previous post can testify for that. I just don't know what to say at times. My life is kind of getting routine. I find myself walking blindly, just really getting things done and over with. I have no time for friends and social life. The people I meet the most is probably my platoon mates. I guess we are like a band of brothers now. Day in day out suffering and enjoying the times with the company of each other. We all have the same experience and I guess that bonded us together. Really, we can only depend on each other in camp. We still have a long way to go. I have no idea what the future holds but I guess I am thinking less than I used to. Everyday, I'll just do the things I have to and that's it. I sleep and wake up the next day doing the same things. If it wasn't for my brothers, life would be so much more boring. We keep each other sane, seriously. Without them, I'll probably lose my interest in talking to people, haha.
Something is bothering me. In a few weeks time, on 22 Sept, it will be my OCS social night. I have yet to find a date and I am left with few options. Haha, that shows how much of a social life I have. Nothing could be more stressing than this. Haha. This is indeed a great challenge for me, but I'll find a way... :P
Ok, nothing much to blog. Basically, I am just a happy guy going about his own business nowadays. I find myself drowning into the crowd, forgotten. By the way, my thoughts seems to be a little disoriented. I left my brain in camp I guess. I apologize for that :P.
I see myself fading away......
Saturday, July 28, 2007
And so, another week has passed for me. It has yet been another tough week, but I guess I kind of got used to the toughness in training. In fact, it would be weird if not one moment of training was tough.
Fortunately, the feeling of wanting to go out of course has disappeared. At least I know I am up to the mark now. My mental strength has improved tremendously I would say. You can feel it. You can feel yourself getting stronger by the day, both physically and mentally.
I heard school term is starting soon for the University graduates. I kind of envy them, to be able to start pursuing what they want in life and go for it. Sometimes, I wished I was out there doing what I always wanted to do. There were times I kept on asking myself why in there world am I doing here. I keep finding the meaning of my presence in there.
I guess it is something that God wants me to go through? Never in my life have I been put through all these nonsense. I led a good life, yet I thought life was tough when I was studying. That wasn't the case when NS came into the picture. I am put into a whole new phase of my life. Never did I imagine myself doing all these crap. I've learnt to appreciate what I had. I've learnt to appreciate what I used to dislike. I've learnt to appreciate what meant the most to me. I guessed I came out a stronger person, for God, for my parents and maybe my future family? Everytime I am feeling tired and feel like giving up, I keep telling myself, if I can't get through this, how can I become a missionary dentist? How can I endure the harsh conditions? How can I fulfill my promise to God?
I further asked myself, if I can't get through all these, how can I protect my parents and my family? When they are in trouble, how can I help them or at least stand up for them? I must pushed on. Knowing no limits, you'll be surprised to see how much you can acheive.
I guess in OCS, they really push you to the point that you yourself will be surprised of how much you can acheive. Time and time again I am surprised. I guess being in a situation that you don't like or even to the point of hating it can be good for you. You learn to be more disciplined and you'll start to appreciate what matters the most to you.
Pardon me if I keep on rattling on about NS. That's my life. What else can I talk about? 24 hrs, 6 days a week. Time and time again, I want to remind you all my readers, please appreciate what you have in life, because you'll never know how much they mean to you till you lose them. Well, I guess that's all I have to say. Stay happy and cheerful always! Cheer me on, and thank you all that have given me the support, I'll remember it. :)
Saturday, July 14, 2007
This song is really nice. Been hearing it in my bunk every night as my friends play it. It somehow just captured my soul. Really, what hurts the most is losing the things that were closest to you. Being in OCS for 3 weeks, it is really bad as you are going through all sorts of nonsense without your loved ones. Imagine how happy I was when I saw my parents come visit me at parents visitation. I felt like crying, yes boys do cry, we just don't show it. I've learnt that there are so many people that I have yet to show my appreciation to. This song is dedicated to all the people that are so close to my haert. Losing you all is what hurts the most...
Saturday, June 23, 2007
So it is final. I will be going to OCS on monday. I was happy when I got the posting. But back in my mind, I knew that it will be a tough time ahead. It will be a bumpy ride...
My block leave is coming to an end. Really happy to have this well deserved break. After all that I have been through in BMTC, it is really good to have some time to do the things I like and do some catching up with some dear friends. As my life as a Private is drawing to a closure, a new chapter begins. I know not what lies ahead of me, but I shall walk in faith. Need to take good care of myself, don't want to get out of course like how some of my friends did. To all my NS buddies in BMTC, you all have been a bunch of superb people! Really good to know you guys. No matter where you are going, remember, give your best! Always keep the Leopard 4 values going! Will miss ya all...
Hai... A day or more I will be back in a whole new environment. A new camp. I will be stuck in there for another 3 weeks! That means no going to church and going out with friends :(! But it is ok I guess, I will get to meet new friends. I shall set myself another mid term goal, that is to come out safely for commissioning, if God permits...
So, I guess this is it. Here we go again. Jia you Lim Young! It all begins......
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
What does each step you take mean to you?
Is it merely a step taken?
Or does it mean something more?
Is it a step closer to eternal death, or is it a step closer to eternal life?
Is it a step taking you closer to your dream, or a step further away from it?
Is it a step towards independence or reliance?
Is it a step towards loving someone or hating somebody?
Is each step leading you towards contentment or complacency?
I don't know... Each step is a blessing. It is a blessing to even take a step. It is a blessing, got to treasure it, shouldn't I?
Friday, June 15, 2007
I was once told that when a woman falls in love, she will give in her all emotions. I came across this song and indeed, it is so true. Beautiful song, enjoy!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
POP LO! Today I have officially become a Private. Private Lim, not a very high rank but nevertheless, I have completed my first phase in NS.
Today has been an eventful day. Come to think of it, this 3 months passed by really fast. I can't describe it in words but it is really amazing to meet a new bunch of friends. They are an interesting bunch, a mix of different characters. We had a lot of fun together I guess. The tears the sweat and the blisters... not forgetting that Leopard has once again been crowned the champion!
However, the most emotional part for me was the parade. It is not because of the marching, not because of the fact that I am not a Private after being through so much crap. It was my father. As I stood in the parade square looking out into the audience stand, I see a lone figure of my dad sitting there. His head was full of white hair and he looked a lot much older than he used to. My dad stood out from the thousands today because he is my dad. Throughout the parade, I keep my sight fixed on him. I feel like crying too. It was really emotional for me. My dad has worked so hard for the family. All the time spent with us and how he cuddled me when I was little. Toady, I am standing in the parade square, cabable of firing a rifle and going through so much vigorous activities. My dad and mum are the ones that brought me up till this stage. I am a man, or a boy becoming a man. It is time for me to do something for my parents. Being grown up, it is time I take over the responsibility of taking care of myself and in turn, taking care of my parents. They have given me so much, so much that I can never give back. Seldom do I feel like this but even as I type this entry, many emotions are welling inside me.
All these years just seem to pass by so fast. I am just so stunned by what has become of me today. Looking back at my primary school days, it all felt like yesterday. Toady, I even POPed with my primary school best friend. Indeed, life is short. There is so much to do and so little time. The time is NOW! If you have something that you want to do, or even someone to thank, this is the time! Life doesn't wait for you, nor your loved ones. Treasure them and live everyday with a loving heart.
Sigh... I am going back to tekong tomorrow, as a Private! Guard duty sounds exciting. I might get some paranormal encounter there and it will be real cool! Haha, will have fun with my sergeant and buddies. Right now, I just wanna enjoy my long awaited block leave...
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Well, I am just 2 more days to becoming a Private. 3 months have passed. Everything seems so fast. I can still remember the day I first became a soldier. It was a day of uncertainty to me. Right now, I have come thus far and still, there is a lot more installed for me in this 2 years of army life.
To be honest, army life is really not my cup of tea. I disagree with many things in there. Sometimes, I wonder why God even put me in this place. I don't see the point at all. Me being so myopic, I am still figuring why God put me through all these.
Then I realised, of this 3 months, I have indeed changed a lot. I have become stronger, physically and mentally. Mentally, I believe I can take hardships much better than before. Just completed the ardous route march last night. Don't think I'll state the distance as I have to respect SAF stand, but most of you should know the distance, haha. It was the longest distance of BMTC course and it is by far the longest I ever walked. As I marched through with sweat all soaking up my clothes, thoughts just ran through my mind. Sometimes, your mind is just blank and you tell yourself I want to finish this. It is amazing what the mind can do. Just a simple thought wanting your block leave will push you on for a long distance. This last route march before I POP is meaningful to me. Every step I take I feel like I have become more matured and stronger. Every step I took I like feel God is walking with me. I feel His love and I can hear Him saying, " Push on Lim Young, push on!" It is in times like this will one really appreciate God's presence and love in your life. I feel a mighty force pushing me towards the end point.
Right now, I still can't figure out why God has put me here. But I do believe that I will come out stronger and serve Him better. Maybe that IS the purpose. Or that said, God may want me to extend His love to the many lost ones. I really need the courage and strength to do all these. Do pray for me. More route march will come my way as I head towards either SISPEC or OCS. But for now, I am contented. Just going to POP and really enjoy my block leave. I know not where He'll bring me, I just walk in faith...
Saturday, May 26, 2007
I am back again. Week after week the routine goes on and I guess I am more or less settled down. I am a bit sick. I finally contracted the tekong cough. 16km route march was horrendous. To think 16km so bad le, how many more route marches more in my NS life! Haha, I guess thinking of it doesn't help much.
Ironically, the 16km route march day was the happiest day in the week for me. That is because I received the news that I was offered a place in NUS Dentistry. Each year, 1000+ people apply for it. 300+ gets shortlisted, only 42 ends up taking it. What made me so special that God gave me this place? The whole month, He has been opening many doors for me. He is leading me. Really, I just trusted Him all the way and this is where He landed me in. I really believe that this is His will for me. We'll see where it leads...
Life is full of so much uncertainties. One day can change everything. One moment can define the rest of your life. Well, I guess keeping myself bothered is useless right. Any time and any moment God is in control. I am throwing live grenade soon... we'll see how it goes.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Haha! Finally back from another week in NS. Just read my previous entry. The english is horrendous! I have no idea why I wrote it that way. Maybe I was just too sleepy.
Anyway, I have been doing a lot of observations and thinking in NS(surprised?). I spent much time looking and observing what other people do. I came to one conclusion, self centred behaviour is a trademark of everybody.
When people are in need, you lay out your hands to help them. You lend them your equipment, you help them clean their area when they have to do some 'urgent' personal stuff. But when it comes to you asking them for a favour, they always have an excuse. "I am busy." or "I need to do my area cleaning ( didn't I just cleaned it for you?)" are some common examples.
Well, they do help you sometimes. But it is funny to find a certain pattern in that. Most of the time, you'll find them helping you only when the sergeants are around. Then I wonder, could this be coincidental? Maybe. After all, your sergeants are the ones that will give opinions to the PC as to whether you would be able to make it to OCS. Officers need to be kind and caring I guess? So you have to SHOW to the sergeants you are kind and caring.
I don't blame them, because I find myself starkingly similar to these people. One can never realise this until he or she brings himself or herself out of their own prespective. It is easy to look at others and find their faults. But it is not easy to do the same for yourself. It is easy to set standards for other people, but it is not easy to follow that same standard you set for others. Sometimes, I feel so ashamed when I realised that I help people not out of the heart of loving and caring for them but because I want to make myself presentable on their peer appraisal list. I find it disgusting when I know that I can go an extra mile for my poor tired friend there but I simply choose to ignore him. I myself am a strong opposer to hypocriticism. Yet, time and time again I find myself commiting the same mistake I do not approve. I am stuck in this irony, just like how Adam was in a dilema when Eve offered him the forbidden fruit.
All I know is that we humans are so self centred. Everything we do, there is bound to be a hidden agenda. An agenda that suits our thinking and our wants. We need to overcome this barrier. Come to think of it, much of the conflicts and sufferings we have stem from the simple, undesirable nature of selfishness.
If there is one that I would pray for, it would be to get back to the path of light, to God's own loving arms. Too many times I have disappointed Him, too many times I have hurt Him. I don't want to cheapen His grace, to trample on His mercy. As I head back to camp, I am determined to change this horrible side of me. I don't want to be just anyone. I want to be someone, someone that glorify His name to the fullest. Grant me the strength LORD...
Saturday, May 12, 2007
I am back from my 6 days field camp in tekong. It has been my first field camp ever and I must say it is really an unforgettable experience. It was probably one of the worst 6 days of my life so far. And guess what, BMT field camp is supposed to be the easiest of all field camps in your army life. Nice... Can't tell you all much because SAF don't allow.
The first day was the worst of all. Carry a load of nonsense and march for a long dist. I had abrasion like crazy and it lasted for like almost 3 days. For 3 days I was walking like a penguin. The first three days I was sleeping in my Bahsha and it was bad. I didn't do my Bahsha properly as it was kind of saggy and the whole night I was like kissing the tent roof sheet. The ground was super uneven and that gave me tons of backache.
The next 2 days we had to dig something call the 'grave'. Yah, I had to dig my own grave and sleep in it. I must confess, I did a good job for this one and I had a really comfy sleep in the night. We just slept in the open grave and look up into the beautiful night sky. I slept so well that I snored like mad. It was kind of funny. My section mates thought there was a wild boar nearby then they were frightened. When they realised it was me, they laugh until they can't sleep. Even my sergeant couldn't take it. He said," I feel like punching you and stuffing socks into your mouth. You this kind of people cannot go on mission. Sure give enemy our position one." We are supposed to be tactical, meaning no noise and light at night. Apparently I failed for the first one. haha... So much for being the wild boar, that was funny...
The last few days I had very bad rashes. Man, not bathing for 6 days is horrible. We had camou cream on for 24 hrs and the feeling is horrible when you sweat.We also did some drills that are quite fun I have to say.
I must thank God for the weather. We did not have any rain until the very last day. The weather was very good and there was lots of wind. The last night is rain so heavily that my grave became a jacuzzi... nice. Our field pack was in it and everything was wet in mud. Luckily it was the last day and I don't need to use much of the stuff already. I heard from other people that they have rain for all their field camp. What more can I ask for. God really was with me there.
Overall, it is a tough and new experience. Though because I couldn't bathe and it was really uncomfortable. But all else. I believe I came out of this experience a stronger person. It really made me stronger. I believe that I endured this 6 days, what more can hurt me? Though the OCS ans SISPEC field camp are way tougher, but I believe that once I past this barrier of uncomfort due to not showering, the physical barrier is nothing to me. I believe I can do it. Bring it on man army.
Booking in for SIT test, going to outfield again. Not bathing for another 3 days. Nice. It is nothing. Really miss all my family and friends. Guys and girls out there, I really miss and love you all. Treasure those around you man... Girls, please understand your boyfriends if they can't spend time with you. You all will never understand the pain and stress your boyfriends are going through in NS. They need your support. I already have 2 section mates who have girlfriends breaking up with them. Please don't do this to your guys...
See ya all in another one week time. God bless... :)
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
我可能未成见过你清秀温柔的脸，
但我的灵已被你的心紧紧地牵着。
等待是痛苦也是甜蜜。
我深信我们有一天会相见，
手牵着手一起走到天涯海角，
忘记世间的喧嚣与烦恼。
你就是上帝赐我的宝贵礼物。
我要疼你，
我要保护你，
我要抹干你脸上的眼泪，
让你不在哭泣。
我要爱你。。。
我等着你，等待你步入我的人生。
让天上的月亮与星星作为我们的约定，
我等，我耐心地等，因为你值得我的等待。。。
Sunday, April 08, 2007
This post is dedicated to all YMers, YFers, NLWers :P of Toa Payoh Methodist Church (CAC)
Must really say a big thank you to all you guys out there. Today has been a enjoyable day for me. I must say I really feel honoured to share this day with God and his children, on Easter!! How lucky for me to be spiritually prepared on Easter Day? How much more meaningful can it get?
In less than 12 hours time, I will be entering NS. Nothing much, just another phase of life. But as I said in my last entry, I was a little spiritually troubled, out of no reason. But I really really want to say a big thank you to all of you out there! My brothers and sisters, you all have no idea how important your prayers have been to me. Right now, I am so much more spiritually and emotionally prepared. By God's power, I will be a living testimony for Him. Rest assured, I will take care of myself both physically and emotionally.
Special Thanks:
David (for making the effort to call and pray for me. It was a very pleasant surprise!)
Moses(for praying for me)
Wei Feng(for praying for me and the chance to act...)
Tommie(for painstakingly reading my medicine personal statement and giving comments...)
NS cell guys(thanks for the prayers, and also the Tao Pok, it was definitely tasty...)
All who wished me all the best on MSN at the last minute :P
Last but not least, all the YMers and YFers, you guys definitely rocks! Will miss you guys...(Two weeks only, why I so gu niang?)
All right, all I can say now, lets continue to burn in God's consuming fire. I want to dedicate Ephesians 6:10-20 to all of you, a reminder from the bible given to me by David :) Ok, I am off now, see you guys soon! To Satan I say, your temptations ain't unbreakable, bring it on, I am SO ready for it...
Saturday, April 07, 2007
In 29.5 hours time, I would be enlisting to NS. I will be embarking on a journey to a place I have never been in my life, Tekong, haha.
Somehow, there is this sense of discomfort and insecurity on going to this island. It is not physically but spiritually and emotionally. The uncertainty and fear of what lies ahead may seem stupid, but it still troubles me, a little?
To my christian brothers and sisters, do keep me in prayers. Ask God to give me this steadfast faith and peace in Him. Let me not be influenced by the deceptive acts of Satan. Let me be a glory and testimony to Him. Into His hands I commit...
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Then he said to them, " Whoever welcomes this little child in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me. For he who is least among you all- he is the greatest."
Luke 9:48
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
Matthew 19:14
Day in and day out, I am always in contact with children. Frequent contact with them made me understand them better. Each child is unique. Each child has his or her own character specially carved out by the hands of God. It is so amazing and such a blessing to spend time with these children. Each day, I am actually looking forward to work.
Most children are happy kids or so I have observed. They never seem to take things too much to their heart. One moment they are fighting and quarelling, the next, they are like the best of friends. The power of their forgivness really put me in a state of awe. Children tend to take things in their simplicity. They never like to complicate things. The simpler it is, the happier they are. The things they look for in their life are so simple. A new pencil, a praise from you, some time spent with Gor Gor Lim Young playing monopoly with them :) They love it and it brightens their day. Being there with them makes me feel so young and happy too.
Every time a child hold my hand affectionately and call out " Gor Gor Lim Young", it just melts my heart. They can just hold on to your hand and not let go and say nothing else. Mushy to some people but when you are in such a situation, even the coldest heart will melt from warmth and affection these children show you. Sometimes, they hug my hand and sometimes they climb onto my back. The warmth of their small body seem to have such immense heat and passion that really burns up your loving and caring side. Such power and intensity originate from a simple source, their sincerity and truthful expression of their feelings toward you.
Some day, when I grow up, I will really like to have children.3 to 4 children would be ideal. If God's willing... Knowing that the time left to spend with them is not much, it gets kind of saddening, by hey, I shall treasure the time with these adorable truthful little children. Before long, I will once again be thrown back into the complicated and confusing world of adults, where schemes and lies reign. May my close contact with these children teach me to love those that are unlovable Lord, if they can do it, why can't I? Kudos to children! I love you kids, I really do... Thank you all for the love :)
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Been a long time since I last blogged. Much have been racing through my mind and my emotions are kind of jerky now. I have many mixed emotions.
The main reason for this mixed feeling is probably because of the fact that I will be receiving my A levels results in 2 days time. It will very much determine which is the general direction I will be heading for in the later part of my life. It is a milestone. It is a beginning and an end. It is a beginning to the new chapter of my life, more specifically the beginning of the path to tertiary education and most probably, the path of my career. It also marks the end of my schooling days. All these just seem to come and go so fast. One day I was busy with school activites and mugging and the next day, I am ready to reap the fruit of my efforts. Sometimes it is hard to believe that our life is really speeding us by.
This few days, my feelings are kind of weird. One moment, I am telling myself that everything will be alright and the next moment, I start to doubt in myself and begin to worry about Friday. Honestly speaking, I can't really tell how I feel.
As I was travelling back home from work on the MRT today, I started to ponder about the things that happen in my life. I started to look back at all the times I had. I could vividly picture the scene when I first got my PSLE results and how my parents helped me appealed into The Chinese High School. I must thank them for putting really so much effort in ensuring I got into the school I desire. I remebered how I stood by the phone to wait for the phone call that told me I had successfully entered the school of my choice. I prayed earnestly, or so I think, and I got what I asked for.
Then came the O levels. First the prelims. When I received my maths and science sudjects results then, I felt dejected. My L1R5 didn't look promising enough to get me into HCJC. I prayed earnestly, or so I think. Then came my history, I got an A1, something that I could never have expected. Suddenly, my L1R5 shot from 12 to 8. What a miracle. When the real thing finally came, the O levels, I got an L1R5 of 7. My results weren't fantastic compared to my classmates and my first 3 months JC classmates, but somehow, but God's grace, I got all the good grades for the required subjects. Though I didn't get straight A1s, I got L1R5 7. I had one classmate in JC in first 3 months, he got straights A1s for science and maths subjects, but the L1, his english got B3. He got L1R5 of 8 and was rejected. I couldn't understand why everything seem so coincidental for me but again, I got into my desired JC.
Oh, before I forget, I will have to flashback into my admission to my primary school. By right, it was difficult to get into Pei Chun Public School as I was holding a PR status and I have totally no connections what so ever to get into the school. My chances were really slim. But because my dad's colleague is a relative of the principle then and through his help, my sis got the chance to participate in the 'lucky draw' for vacancies. Even then, the chances were low as piority were still given to the Singaporeans and by the time for the draw to come near, not many vacancies were left. Somehow, God placed my sister into the school and following 2 years, due to the fact that my sis had a place in school and I had a sibling in Pei Chun, I got into this very good school rather easily. God's grace? I believe so...
As Friday approaches, I ask myself again, what will the future hold, after seeing all these things that happened to me. My education path is one that is so far smooth and good. I had an education that many people yearn for. But I have nothing to boast about. Because looking back, I realised that all these wouldn't have been possible without people like my parents and my sis and most importantly, God. I could see God's hand at work. What more can I ask for? I really want to thank God for everything that he planned, so smooth sailing for me so far. Once again, I want to put my trust in Him. God I offer you my burdens and my worries. Anoint me with trust and faith in You and that you hold the power to decide for me.
Brothers and sisters, what do you have to thank God for? :)
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
I come on my knees
To lay down before you
Bringing all that I am
Longing only to know you
Seeking your face
And not only your hand
I find you embracing me
Just as I am
And I lift these songs
To you and you alone
As I sing to you
In my praises make your home
To my audience of one
You are Father, and you are Son
As your spirit flows free,
Let it find within me
A heart that beats to praise you.
And now just to know you more
Has become my great reward
To see your kingdom come
And your will be done
I only desire to be yours,
Lord
So what could I bring
To honor your majesty
What song could I sing
That would move the heart of royalty
And all that I have
Is the life that you’ve given me
So Lord let me live for you
My song with humility
And Lord as the love song
Of my life is played
I have one desire
To bring glory to your name
To my audience of one
You are Father, and you are Son
As your spirit flows free,
Let it find within me
A heart that beats to praise you.
And now just to know you more
Has become my great reward
To see your kingdom come
And your will be done
I only desire to be yours,
Lord
And we lift these songs
To you and you alone
As we sing to you
In our praises make your home
To my audience of one
You are Father, and you are Son
As your spirit flows free,
Let it find within me
A heart that beats to praise you.
And now just to know you more
Has become my great reward
To see your kingdom come
And your will be done
I only desire to be yours,
Lord
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Lately, I have been spending lots of time all by myself. Be it at home or taking long bus rides all by myself. The feeling is funny, sometimes fustrating.
I don't know about everyone else but lately, I have been missing the school days, or at least having the urge to participate in some activities that requires me to interact with people. I somehow feel fustrated, even to the point of despair when I find myself all alone. In other words, I feel lonely.
The irony comes when I look back at the times that I had during my schooling days. Back then, I always longed for the end of A levels and the start of this 3 months long break for me. I was fustrated then because I had so much work and things to do. Stress seemed to be piling up endlessly on me. On the contrary, I am fustrated now because I feel useless and aimless at times. I even come to the point that I wished that I was back in school now preparing for A levels and immersing myself in that demanding and stressful situation.
Can we ever(or can I) be satisfied on what we have? It seems to me that I've always demanded so much changes in my life. It seems that I have never been satisfied in the kind of lifestyle I have. It is like being a wet cloth hung out to dry and when it becomes dry, it is destined to become wet again. Satisfication. What exactly is that? Is it a hunger for stability or a hunger for change? Are we satisfied only when we find ourselves in a stabalised situation or are we only satisfied when we find ourselves in the state of change? I always like to quote this unknown saying, "The only thing that is constant in life is change." We change everyday. One day you find yourself becoming handsome and the next day, you find yourself older and wrinkled. As much as our surroundings change, so does our demands in life. But then I realised, if this carry on, I can never be satisfied! I will never be happy and contended with what I have!
This is a dangerous thing. Am I going to lead a life of sadness and unfufilled satisfaction and only to die feeling unaccomplished? That is something I never wish will happen. It opposes to what I've always believed in life, that is, to lead a fruitful life. I started to reflect on my state. I questioned myself as to why I am feeling like this? Is it because I lack a goal in my life? No. I always wanted to be a missionary doctor and be someone that can inspire and glorify God. This dream of becoming a doctor has always been with me since the age of 6. Then I realised why. Even though I had a goal in life, I did not alter my lifestyle to focus on acheiving this goal. To put it simply, during this period of time, I did not engage myself in things that will help me in acheiving this goal. I did not push myself hard enough into a lifestyle befitting to this goal.
One major flaw was that I seem to be falling away from my faith. Not so much to the extreme of not believing it but I find myself being less zealous for God. I find myself wanting to talk to God less. I find myself drawing away from God. I don't know how and I don't know why but I guess my relationship with God went on a downhill ever since my break up. I started doing stupid things that I have no idea why I am doing them. I find myself contradictory. How true to say that a man is dried to the bones if he does not have a lasting relationship with God. That is exactly how I feel. I feel so spiritually dry. Take away all the things that keep a man busy and you find him restless and aimless. He carries no hope at all because all that he hopes for is only in this life and they are taken away from him. This is a point of realisation. My relationship with God is now suffering a crack and I need to mend it. I want to fall back into His arms. I have no one to depend on but Him. He is my Rock and my salvation. All this while, it seems to people that I am a zealous believer of Christ. But a reality check within my soul shows that I am foolishly weak. I only pray that God strengthen me back into who I was and make me steadfast in Him.
All in all, I realised that satisfaction in life only comes about when you fulfill the following criteria:
1. You need to have a clear goal.
2. Your goal is stable, meaning, it doesn't change as and when you want it to.
3. Action must be taken to acheive this goal, otherwise, it is just another useless day dream. No changes or improvements in your life can be acheived if you don't execute your actions.
4. You must depend on something dependable in your life to fulfill this goal.
Hopefully, you guys will find this realization of mine helpful. May God bless you all! :)
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
好久没有上网写博客了。我心里有好多的话要说。
近来，我一直在观赏一部非常出名的日本连续剧，片名为《一公升的眼泪》。看了这部连续剧后，让我感触良多。我得承认，作为一个男人，我从来没有那么动情过。我似乎忘了自我，让自己沉浸在一片虚假的爱情里。我仿佛爱上了剧里的池内亚也。她就是女主角。基本上，她是一名患了一种无法根治的疾病的少女。我忘了那病叫什么，那并不重要。重要的是，病魔很残忍。病人的小脑会在一段时间里缩小，以至病人慢慢地失去走路的能力，说话的能力，甚至进食的能力。病人也会突然之间因呼吸困难而去世。病魔的可怕在于这是一场慢性折磨，一个以现代医学来看，是一个没有希望的折磨。
少女是十五岁患病的。试想，年纪轻轻的她，哪儿来的勇气去面对如此残酷的事实？但是，让我非常佩服的是，她就是有了一般人没有的这股勇气。在她患病期间里，医生鼓励她每天写一篇日记，好让他监督她的病情。在病魔的折腾下，她一天一天地丧失写字的能力。但她依然坚持写下去，一直到她断气的那一天。她享年二十五岁。
故事围绕在她患病的期间所发生的点点滴滴。从中，我们可以感受到亲情，友情，甚至爱情。然而，爱情在里头是虚构的。她的母亲为了表达女儿在世时无法有男朋友的伤感，因此要求导演在剧里添加一名虚构人物，麻生遥斗，作为女儿的男友。这出戏的剧情，除了麻生以外，一切都是真实的！
然而，让我感到羞耻是，在看戏的当儿，让我最受吸引的不是少女的坚强，而是那虚假的爱情。我有如爱上了美丽的女演员。但我发现，演员的美丽，是来自于角色的坚强，加上演员的姿色，似乎塑造了一个完美少女，我心里渴望的爱情。亚也的真人不漂亮，演员的真人也并非戏里的单纯。我爱上的到底是美色还是品格？我喜欢上了一个虚拟的人物呀！可悲，可悲！
虽然如此，我的肤浅也并没有把我的眼与心灵蒙蔽起来。我也被池内亚也的乐观感动。我也被她周遭的亲情与友情感动。池内亚也的积极也让我重申我的人生观，好叫我积极与乐观地去看待生命，不要蹉跎岁月，好好利用在世上剩余的时光，照福人群。池内亚也短短的二十五年，给了不少患者启发与动力，也让许多人得到宝贵的提醒，生命是短暂也可以是很无情的。
在此，我想提醒大家，珍惜身边所有的一切，因为，上帝有权力随时将我们当为理所当然的东西夺走。我想感谢池内
亚也姐姐，也要感谢世上所有坚强活下去的人，你们是我生命的启发，愿我的慈爱阿爸天父永远祝福你们，爱你们。我也爱你们！加油！
Please Use Unicode(UTF-8) to view this entry. :)
Sunday, December 31, 2006
2006 is coming to an end in half an hour's time. It has been a eventful year for me. Many things happened and I can never forget it for the rest of my life.
I would say 2006 has been a tough one. I have made many first and I have made many mistakes, things that will make me change. I've let many people down and I disappointed myself too at times. 2006 is a year of self relization and a year of reflection...
Come 2007, I will rise to the challenge. NS, and if possible, medicine. 2007 is a year of challenges for me. To all whom I know, HAPPY NEW YEAR. MAY GOD BLESS YOU!!
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Well well well... The season of giving is here! Christmas is just round the corner! What do I have to say? Very happy. This is probably the best time of the year, that's in the case of me.
Whenever christmas comes, a sense of serenity and joy always wells up inside me. I love to see the decoration lights along Orchard Road and see the shopping centres all gearing for Christmas. Every where is just immersed in this festive season and everyone seems very happy. Maybe it is the year end and everyone just got their big fat bonus.
Year after year, we have many movies coming up during the Christmas period. Most of them carry links with Christmasl. I don't know how many people actually watch them but I find many of them quite cliche to be honest. Don't really find them entertaining. Haha. Just looking at the trailer, you would know what it is basically about. Santa Claus, or someone acting as Santa, trying to make lives of the less fortunate people better, letting them feel the Christmas spirit etc. Nothing wrong with it, it's just that it is all so...similar?
There is one thing about Christmas that is very different from other festive seasons. Not that I am a Christian and I will be bias against other festive seasons or what, but all of us can see that Christmas is probably the festival that is of the biggest scale, at least in the case of Singapore. How often do you see Orchard Road being decorated in such a massive scale in other festivals? I guess probably only Chinese New Year is comparable. In Christmas, we always have massive Christmas year end sale. However, how often do you see a Deepavali sale? No offense at all. In fact, what I am driving at is a very dangerous mentality towards Christmas. Christmas is just so heavily commercialised. Why? As mentioned before, it could be because Christmas is at the end of the year, where many get their bonus. Or probably, it is the holidays, where people are in a very relaxed mood and many tourist swarm into Singapore. We just had our nine millionth visitor. People are willing to spend and they have the spending power. Such economic potential is very tempting. How then can businesses not take advantage of it? It is a money making oppurtunity! Why, it is the season of giving! Yes, I would package my product under the disguise of this 'season of giving' phrase. It will definitly lure that big fat bonus out of the consumer's pocket.
Take a look at this photo I took from the newspaper. It is an advertisment from a particular retail company.
Look at the whole picture. LOOK GLORIOUS THIS CHRISTMAS. You'd probably ask what's so bad about this picture. Nothing bad actually. I just think that it reflects the attitude many people have for Christmas. Quite a misleading one actually. Firstly, Christmas is all about one thing. You are right in saying that gifts are involved. But from a Christian prespective, there is only one and only one precious gift, that is Jesus Christ. That is the whole idea of christmas. CHRISTmas, is about God's gift, Jesus CHRIST. Baby Jesus was born on Christmas. No one knows exactly when, but Dec 25 is set as a date to commemorate this birth. So, Christmas is about JESUS CHRIST and God. Knowing this, Christians should give all glory to God. GLORY should be given to God and not we as individuals, LOOKING GLORIOUS. GLORIOUS. How mocking... Christmas is not about we buying beautiful clothes or undergarment and LOOKING GLORIOUS. It is not about us, but about Christ. See how this festival mutated over the years. First, we proclaim Jesus as God's gift to mankind. Good. Then, gift means giving. Hey, we can call it a season of giving. Sounds quite noble and nice. That's good too. Oh, I heard that there was this guy called St Nicholas that gives children presents at the end of the year. It is a tale. We can add him into the picture of Christmas, I am sure God doesn't mind. Let's call this guy Santa. Yeah. As the years go by, people want to replicate what Santa does. Give presents! Nothing bad right? Ok, let's buy many presents for people and kids. Nothing wrong with that. God wants us to share and spread joy ain't it? Man, the sales of presents is definitly high. Being a retailer, I would definitly make use of it. Santa seems to be bringing in money for me! Good! I shall put up his face everywhere and make people want to buy my stuff. He is almost like a money god to me. What's the pain in putting a little money to decorate my shop to attract people to buy stuff from my Santa decorated shop? No harm right... Unknowingly, we are stepping into this mentality, so much so we think about LOOKING GLORIOUS for CHRISTmas. CHRISTmas, GLORIOUS, we looking glorious...
Do you see it? Each step mentioned above is nothing wrong at all. It is good to give willingly as Jesus taught us so. Nothing wrong with looking good too. I myself like to look good too. However, look at the whole picture. The focus is all wrong! So so wrong. Though the actions means no harm at all, but we are shifting our focus so far from Jesus that the focus becomes Santa and gifts. Some kids even demand for gifts! The whole attitude towards Christmas is just so so wrong. Look at Deepavali, at least for many of us non-believers of Hinduism understand that it is a festival of light whereby good triumphs over evil. The focus is there. What about Christmas? I bet you many out there don't even know what Christmas is called Christmas. All they know is that it is a time to buy stuff and party and look good at these parties, look glorious... What a shame. Why is this happening to Christmas? Can we Christians do something about it? Maybe many of us Christians unknowingly give the wrong message to others as well. Is this all really about Christmas?
I will like to end of with an analogy, something I read from Our Daily Bread. Christmas nowadays is like us holding a birthday party for a baby. However, the parents find it too troublesome to bring the baby along. They think that they cannot enjoy the party with the baby around. It is so inconvenient. Thus, they leave the baby out with the nanny. They held a birthday party for the baby without the baby. Where is baby Jesus this Christmas?
NOTE: Christians brothers and sisters, let us observe the Advent and pray to focus on the true meaning of Christmas.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!
Friday, December 01, 2006
I just planted a new plant called cosmos! I will be charting their progress and I have set up a blog to share with you guys the beauty of it all. Do read about it and I placed a link to it as "My Plant: Cosmos" Enjoy!
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Love is the sweetest in adversity
Love is the sweetest in acceptance
Love is the sweetest in patience
Love is the sweetest in silence
Love is the sweetest in trying
Love is the sweetest in compromising
Love is the sweetest in self-sacrificing
Love is the sweetest in hoping
Love is the sweetest in trusting
Love is the sweetest in perservering
Love is the sweetest in enduring
Love is the sweetest in gentleness
Love is the sweetest in understanding
The sweetest love never fails. The sweetest love stand through the test of time. The sweetest love is blessed. For the love seeking beings, love will seek you. I know someone is out there, waiting for you. True love seeks and never hides, true love is in essence, the sweetest part of our life...
~Lim Young~
Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
This is my current hit song! Haha, some pple commented i keep blogging video. Will blog proper after A's! By the way, the doctors in Grey's Anatomy, or at least in this video, seems too free to be true, haha. I want to be a doctor, JIA YOU!! haha
Thursday, October 12, 2006
TO VIEW CHINESE WORD ON MY BLOG, CHOOSE Unicode(UTF-8) encoding.
Qian Li Zhi Wai
∮ 歌曲：千里之外 歌手：周杰伦/费玉清 专辑：依然范特西
屋檐如悬崖风铃如沧海我等燕归来
时间被安排演一场意外你悄然走开
故事在城外浓雾散不开看不清对白
你听不出来风声不存在是我在感慨
梦醒来是谁在窗台把结局打开
那薄如蝉翼的未来经不起谁来拆
我送你离开千里之外你无声黑白
沉默年代或许不该太遥远的相爱
我送你离开天涯之外你是否还在
琴声何来生死难猜用一生去等待
闻泪声入林寻梨花白只得一行青苔
天在山之外雨落花台我两鬓斑白
闻泪声入林寻梨花白只得一行青苔
天在山之外雨落花台我等你来
一身琉璃白透明着尘埃你无瑕的爱
你从雨中来诗化了悲哀我淋湿现在
芙蓉水面采船行影犹在你却不回来
被岁月覆盖你说的花开过去成空白
梦醒来是谁在窗台把结局打开
那薄如蝉翼的未来经不起谁来拆
我送你离开千里之外你无声黑白
沉默年代或许不该太遥远的相爱
我送你离开天涯之外你是否还在
琴声何来生死难猜用一生...
我送你离开千里之外你无声黑白
沉默年代或许不该太遥远的相爱
我送你离开天涯之外你是否还在
琴声何来生死难猜用一生去等待 ∮［完］
Friday, October 06, 2006
It has been a long time since I last posted. My computer broke down some time ago and it was also the prelim period.
I just came back here to blog and tell all of you that it will be some time before I post another discussion worthy blog. I am still rather busy now as I am gearing up for A levels. But I already have in mind what I want to blog after my A levels. Do look out for my post yeah and when I do post, if it interest you, you can always join in the discussion. A prelude to my post would be the topic. It will be about Creationism vs Evolution. Some of you might get turned off by now, haha. But I hope to give you all a new prespective towards evolution and the things that you all are taught in school, a prespective that many of us do not possess I reckon. Hopefully, it might bring some food for thought. Nevertheless, it will be some time after yeah? Haha
Anyway, I didn't do very well for prelims. Bio C, Chem D, Physics E and Maths O. Other than bio, which I must confess, was very well done, the rest is not very up to my mark, especially maths and physics. Most people in HC will know that getting an O is really bad for maths. What I saw was that many people who didn't do well in their results were very frustrated. I was frustrated to begin with. I even cried when I got my maths. Yes, me, a guy, cried. I was in a state of distraught. However, I chuck it all aside and redo my maths paper on the day itself. I saw many other people telling others how bad their results were and getting their emotions tied to it. But hey, cheer up man. Don't let failure fail you. I see people unwillingly to tell others their marks as they didn't perform well. Our lectures are grouped into stronger and weaker students. I was in some of the weaker students lectures and I overheard many of them saying, "Why am I doing here? I ought to be in the other lecture one lor.." Hey, you didn't do well, face the fact. don't try to hide it. I know how it feels to not do well but we ought to face it and learn from it. You are not here to compare but to learn. When someone else ask you your marks, tell him, even if it is not good. He may despise you, so what? Just feel sorry for the person man. By doing so, only then can you gear yourself up to face with the challenges ahead.
My point is to encourage those who didn't do well for prelims, don't be disheartened. Right now, don't get yourself entangled with those meaningless competition with the better students, otherwise, you will always live in their shadows. Focus on yourself. Take your scripts and realise your OWN MISTAKES. Consult your teachers. There will be some idiots out there to step on you to make themselves feel better but be strong, ignore them. If you are in the remedial class, concentrate on it. Look at it as a previlige as the teachers are zooming in all their attention on you. Try to gain as much as possible from it. Clear your doubts if you have them, this is not a stage for us to think about pride and whatever. CLEAR YOUR DOUBTS.
I am not saying you should go about being 'proud' you get an O. But you must be frank with yourself. Yes, I got an O for maths, that is terrible, what am I going to do about it. Also, we shouldn't bank ourselves for a miracle to happen, hoping to get 4As by waiting to receive a package from heaven.Those inspiring stories of people getting Os and Fs getting 4As in the end are not by chance but by hard work. So, don't be disheartened but face your bad results with seriousness. Do something about it. Let us all work hard together. This is the last lap.Go all out for it. Remember, you are only a LOSER when you think you are one.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Christian bautista
This guy's forcetto is really natural. Though the video a bit old fashioned, but the song lyrics is romantic. Enjoy!!!
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Hold on- Good Charlotte
This song is going out to all people who are distressed now... Jia You...
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Fan Yi Chen - Love Story
This song is on my hit list! Haha. Really nice song, beautiful lyrics... Enjoy!
Friday, August 18, 2006
David Tao - Too Beautiful (MTV)
Nice Song
It has been a long time since I last posted. Many things happened and I won't bother to rattle on what happened.
Being through all these made me a better person. I am a changed person. Somehow, the me that was in me was gone. Only remnants of me remained. I seemed to lose the childishness in me. It was like a part of me is dead. I can never be the same again, at least on certain issues. Whether the change is for the better or for the worst, I don't know...
A corpse of me lay there...
I died to myself...
I was lost and now am found...
The road ahead is never gonna be an easy one...
Saturday, July 08, 2006
jay - shan hu hai
This song hits me real hard. I never knew how it feels till now... The date on the start of the video happens to be my birthday. Everything seems so real. Why?
Friday, June 30, 2006
Recently, there seems to be a big commotion about the presence of blogs. There seems to be a debate going on about the value that blogs bring to a society. Thus, it brought me think of blogging about blogs this time. :)
Ok, here is the general picture. Some people complain about the effects that blogs can bring. As we all know that blog is a rather open form of platform for publicising one's thoughts. This openess brings both information and rubbish to us. Sometimes, the rubbish can really be annoying too. You see people critcising their teachers openly in their blogs. You see people criticising politicians for the sake of doing so. Undeniably, it does bring a considerable amount of damage to the person involved.
Personally, I think it is perfectly alright for us to have a blog. Not only because I own one but because I enjoy using it! However, like all things that man come up with, there always tends to be abuse of the things that we use and it brings insult to the original intention of the thing's presence. Drug abuse. Camera phone abuse. All these are just too common. Unfortunately, blogs fall into such catergory.
Honestly speaking, I feel that many of the blogs I see around me are really meaningless. Meaningless as in disgusting and useless. It is perfectly all right if you rattle on with what happened in your daily life and you share your experiences. I enjoy reading such blogs. It tells me what is happening with some of my friends around me. I understand them better through it. But some blogs are like... I don't know. Tell me... Why in the world do you need to sputter F***, KNN, KNNB, CB etc. It really sickens me. To me, such people are just idiots with such pitiful ability of expression of themselves that they resort to all these offensive, degrading words. And don't you people dare tell me that that's the way you are and that people just got to take it when they read it. Blogs are like public places. Vulgarites are like dog poo littered around in public places. Shut that filthy mouth of yours and it will do us very much good. The only reason that I can think off is that such people are so deprived that they need the attention of others through such mindless degrading means. Worst of all disasters, they think it is cool. And NO, they don't like to have phrases with double adjectives, they like to say "F****** cool". And trust me, the only people that will try to rebut me on this point are those that are guilty of it. It is not that difficult to spot them. Wake up and stop giving yourselves excuses to be of such a jerkish nature. It is better for you to correct than be a hypocrite.
Another kind of blogger that I loathe is the kind that critcise individuals or openly attack someone. I've seen people attacking their friends, their teachers, the government. I mean come on man. You hate the person, fair enough. You just make yourself a "gu niang" by publishing such thoughts to the whole world. It just shows how lowly you are and that you are incapable of managing your own emotions that you need to go around affecting others. Why? You want to garner support for you anti-whoever effort is it. Look yourself in the mirror will you? You are like a brood of vipers spitting poison. Are you all so perfect that you have the right to be a judge on others' that you've failed to see your own inner failing desire? Take the plank blocking your view off before your try to blow the speck of saw dust in your brother's eyes. And don't give that stupid excuse that the person is really lousy and that it is only fair for you to voice out your displeasure. You are just a hypocrite, admit it. Stop criticising the government if you have your own selfish agenda. Spouting nonsense doesn't show others that you are interested in politics and issues. Your shallow thoughts just amplify the emptiness within that coconut like structure above your neck. If you are so capable of judging and planning, you would have been in the position of authorithy. If you are not there, just shut up.
In huge contrast, I've seen many blogs in the other countries. They are like so different! I have seen blogs that are cultural-based, interest based etc. People share their interests with others on their blogs. It is so much more meaningful. It really is disappointing to see the lack of useful ideas in those jerkish bloggers.
Nevertheless, I still think that at the end of the day, no one can control what one wants to say in their blogs. It is only up to our own conscience that we blog with a respectable manner, not in a way to defame and criticise others meaninglessly all for the sake of the ego we have.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
kaira gong shi jia
Friday, June 09, 2006
What do people see themselves being? What are their minds constantly thinking about? These questions have always evoked immense interest in me. Understanding the human thinking takes profound knowledge and experience.
Are we all really that unique? Do we always follow the wisdom of the crowd? What are the hidden agendas behind our face? Sometimes, these questions just keep cropping up my mind. I spent quite some time thinking of it too. Everytime I am alone, sitting on the bus, observing people, I come out with funny ideas to my ever seemingly redundant questions.
I realised, at the end of the day, the answer is staring right at me. It is in me, it is with me and it is me. Understanding thyself seems to be the best way to understand the people around you. That's in my opinion. I believe that human beings are all in this intricate system that we are unconcious of, that is our own society. We love to look at the society from OUR own point of view. We believe that the issues involved in a society is always about the others. The problems involves the others, not me. This is a case of ME vs SOCIETY. We constantly judge the society by being in our own shoes. How then can we be of an objective opinion when we ourselves are very much part of the society? Humans are interconnected, we long for company. Evidence are like holidays. How many of us feel bored at home all the while? I do. Many a times, we long for holidays to come in our busy school days, a time for us to get away from the noise and the people. But when the holidays do come, we long for school. Contradictory isn't it. That's why outings in holidays are always so fun because people get together to do things they like!
So what is my point? My point is basically that we humans have this unseen connection looming above us all the time. It seems difficult for a person to be drawn out of the society. Thus, we are part of the society and we make the society. Sometimes, I realise, when we pull our spirit and mind away from our own body, understanding why people do some things don't seem to become that difficult. Unknowingly, we ourselves are like doing the many things that society is doing. That is where trend comes in. Why do people like iPods so much? Why do people rush after new handphone models? Why do people want to get 4As and 2 S Papers distinctions so much(In my school that is)? Then, I try pulling my mind out of the picture. I imagine myself being the person I am observing on the bus. I look at myself, I look at my own image. I try to fanthom what my mind is thinking. Then I realise, deep down in my heart, many of these things are the very things that I long for too. I long to change handphones as and when I like. I long to buy all kinds of MP3 players. I long to be the top boy in my school. This are the many small desires that many of us choose to deny. Self denial leads to self misunderstanding.
Then, I go on to ask myself the questions of why I have such desires? Imagine interviewing yourself, that's how I view it!
"So Young! Why do want an iPod?" says the interviewer.
"Oh! Because it looks nice and people says it is nice and I think it is nice! Having it makes me feel like I am part of the crowd!"
"Why then do you want good academic results? Don't people always say results aren't the most important but it is the process that matters?"
"Nonsense! In this world, being unable to deliver what people want you to deliver is unacceptable. Not being the best means you are being deemed as being lousier. I want 4As so as to get into medicine and be a doctor! I want recognition..."
"But don't you always say you want to be a doctor only because you want to be a noble missionary doctor to serve the weak and bring them happiness?"
"That is the ideal. But lets admit it, deep down inside, we all have the same and the only desire, that is to be in power, to be in the limelight. We all want fame, glory and recognition. Living in self denial that one do not long for such things is a lie itself." says Young
"That's very bold of you!" says interviewer
"It isn't, I just don't want to live myself in self denial that I try to make things look noble and beautifully packaged for me. I want to understand my own weaknesses and strength. I believe admitting one is weak is a strength in iteslf..." says Young
And that was the interview I had with myself. You may find it funny yes but this are the things going through my mind! Now I THINK I understand what many people are thinking. Because I THINK I understood myself. We ourselves are very much the same as many other people. We do the same things many a times. Therefore, no one is in any position to judge. I understand myself and others better I guess...
So how do we rectify problems and inner desires we have then? Some people might say "Gosh! Not again!! Why can't Lim Young stop this!! He always does this like a fanatic in his blog!!" Haha, but nevertheless, I am going to share it!! That is my religion!! For me, that is how I see. We humans are never able to rectify our own desires. We ourselves have this innate nature with us. I believe only a Higher Power can do that ( No GP batteries though -_-''' haha). Seriously! Don't leave this blog as yet!! Haha! Come to think of it, maybe we don't really understand ourselves that much, do we? The clarity only comes from a 3rd person's view maybe? Each day I long in God's presence and power to suppress these sinful desires. The very things that makes me a lousy person. I believe no one understands me better than my Lord Father, not even myself. Self improvement first comes with escaping self denial. Then it comes to self analysis, and then it comes to self rectification, which in my case, is handing over my worries to our Creator and Father.
All in all, if I sound disorientated, do forgive me! Cause that is what I always do when I blog. Tend to diverge alot. However, I hope to share with people what my thoughts are, though I don't blog often, I do hope my blog has qualities, not some kind of blog that goes around ranting what I do and who I hate and where in the world I go for trainings and have fun. I mean who really cares?
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Recently, I have been looking back at my life so far in HC. A good one in general I say.
I immersed myself in a memory flowback one day. I looked back at the times I had in orientation. It was very fun, VERY FUN. That was the most enjoyable part of my JC life I guess. It was then that everyone was without stress. It was then that everyone showed the happy side of themselves. It was then that everyone was in the mood of exploration, searching new discoveries in a new environment. Everyone was carefree. I enjoyed their company.
But as times goes, things seems to change for the worse. Competition starts to set in as we work hard for our tests and studies. I see the despising side of people swelling and oozing out of their mouths. Their words are like a rusty sword piercing into the hearts of others. They manipulate others. They exaggerate other people's mistakes to take comfort in themselves. They stab you in the back like your are a nobody. You realize being nice makes you a simple life form that can be easily trampled and thrown around. You are treated worthlessly...
Some people want you to conform with them. They pressurize you to be what you don't want to be. They criticize you, for the wrong reasons. Reasons like not going to the movie. Reasons like not playing soccer with them ( JUST AN EXAMPLE!! HAHA! No other intentions) Reasons like you are a Malaysian... What the? I mean what is your point? If you are a scholar, you are paid by the govenment here to study, not to play around. Naturally, these people will need to work harder to ensure that they do not fail and flop the trust that was given to them. I will respect them for their hard work and not criticize. I will not despise them for being what is commonly known as a MUGGER. I hate it when people say, " Bloody Malaysians/PRC..." Your point being? Your arrogance and ignorance makes me SICK!
I also hate it when people start criticizing and pressurizing other people for not going to class outings or what. I mean, you pass a paper around to ask people if they want to go. Thus, people have a choice. But when people get to choose to excercise their choice of not going, why start being an idiot and whine about the whole situation? It just shows the shallowness of your thinking state and maturity. I mean I may sound all too critical and exaggerating and I agree to that. But the point I am trying to bring out is something that is real and troubling me. I hold no grudge against anyone. I never hated anyone as people around me can testify to that. I never liked to talk behind people's back. I was never brought up to do that. I just hate the WHOLE SITUATION. I understand how people will feel sad and fustrated when you try to organise a class outing and bond the class together and no one really cares. But what I am trying to tell everyone is that don't start blaming the people around you. They might have their own reasons for that. Understand also the school we are in. Tons of people are aimming to get into difficult course like medcine. It is natural for them to work hard for their goals. Not many people can manage time and work SO WELL like YOU! You can acheive your goals easily not because you are better than the person but because you are blessed with something that some other people don't. It could be that you are given better focus or attention span. Good for you. But it brings you nowhere near in having the right to criticize others for not being able to acheive what you are able to. Treasure the time you have in class. Don't start giving people names behind their backs. Try to enjoy their company. Cause if you can't do that in class, what makes you think you will enjoy the time in class outings? We all have to understand this fact.
I have a classmate that is very good in his studies. 4 As all the time. That's how good he is. However, he is never proud. He is down to earth humble. In fact, he goes around helping students that are weaker. He don't criticize people for being not as good as him. I for one, is a weaker student in my class. He helps me out A LOT. I appreciate it. He even sets questions for me to practice! How nice to have such people around. I respect him a lot. Because he earned and didn't fight for it.
All in all, what I am trying to say is that we all have our strengths and weakness. Some of our strengths may look more significant than others while our weakness are more behind the scenes. But don't try to hurt others that are not as lucky as you. Because trust me, in this dog eat dog society, if you don't give people some slack to their weaknesses, when your turn comes, it will be much worse. Simple math. You, one person, irritates ten others, Each receive one person's worth of irritation. When the moment comes for them to irritate you, expect 10 times the irritation they receive. You like that? I don't...
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Hmm... Just had this interesting thought yesterday as I took a bus ride home. It makes me wonder about the kind of fast paced life we are living. So fast that we don't even realise or have the time to realise the speed of society we are living in...
I boarded 67. The driver was good. Haha. Good in the sense that he drove rather fast. It is amazing that when you are in the bus, wanting to go home, you always love it when the bus driver speeds. On other times though, I'll just mumble to myself, what a mad driver, hope there isn't going to be an accident. By realising this thought to myself, I realised that I myself is part of this society whereby we yearn for things to be done quickly, in an efficient way.
Then, as the bus sped down bukit timah road, we passed by a bus stop. As we sped pass it, I caught sight of an old lady suddenly jerking up as though the seat was electrified. She waved frantically, but it was too late. The bus driver didn't notice and stop the bus for her. She must have been feeling rather fustrated. See what happens when you can't get your focus off the things you are looking out for? There you go... It disappears. Everything in this society is like zooming past us. If you aren't on a lookout for the things you are looking for, there it goes.
Interestingly, as we travelled futher down, the bus driver was speeding on. I was saying to myself, " That's so cool!! First time reach home so early, MUHAHAHAHA.." Just then, in a distance, I saw a woman in a bus stop waving for the bus driver to stop. But the bus driver was too pre occupied in his speeding that he drove pass the bus stop without even looking!!! I saw the woman's face of dismay. This time, the bus driver is the one not in alert. Imagine the demands of this society. You've got a job, you have to do it properly. No one can tolerate mistakes here. Imagine if the bus driver received a complain from his manager, he would have gotten a shelling. The society is unforgiving, many a times. You've got to learn to survive, by keeping yourself on your feet at all times...
I myself am feeling this kind of pressure. It isn't a good or bad thing. It is just something that we all have to face. Sometimes, it do suck the life out of me. I feel drained. But I will face up to it. This is what life is all about. Facing challenges, meeting demands. I would just really hope that through this entry, we will be able to slow ourselves down at times. Every morning, when I sit in my father's car, I would look up to the morning sky. So beautiful. I once heard from somebody that Singapore has the most beautiful sky in the world. I can't agree more to that. How often do you look up into the sky? Do you find yourself turning your heads frantically to the things around you that you seldom realise the beauty above you? Do you look for satisfication from the things AROUND you, rather than the things ABOVE you? Take a different prespective at times. Trust me, it is really refreshing and I enjoy it, very much......
"平静是生活的动力......"
quote: Lim Young :P
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Thank you baobei... You gave me my strength. Your care transcends understanding. I love you...
Today had a match against Innova JC. It was a match that we could not lose and did not expect ourselves to lose. As things seems to go when they screw up, we lost. Lost 2 sets to 1.
The moment the final point was scored by their opponents, I fell down to the ground. Yes. Literally. My teamates had to pull me up. My heart was in total chaos. Never in my life had I fall on my knees involuntarily like that. My whole heart just crumbled. I collapsed in my soul...
As in volleyball, we play as a team, we lose as a team. I will not blame anyone or everyone. We did what we shouldn't have done and we deserve it. That is sports. Volleyball taught me to bring myself up face to face in failure. I am proud to say that I brought myself up quickly. I found my strength in God and he lifted me up. Thank God. Never in my life had I feel such a sense determination. I am impressed with myself. Seriously... I didn't expect myself to recover so quickly. Encouragement to my team! YES!! I NEED TO DO MY JOB AS A CAPTAIN!!! ENCOURAGE THEM!!
Good job Lim Young. I am proud of you. I finally understood the fact of knowing what is success only when you tasted failure. This is nothing Lim Young! What sought to destroy you can only make you stronger. I am proud of myself, really am.
Reality slaps me in the face. We have to win the next 2 matches. Mentality- NOT A CHANCE FOR THE OTHER TEAMS. Character- Determination to win and hunger to success brings you more than what you expect. Spirit- I hand it over to you Lord...
Monday, May 01, 2006
There are many things in my life nowadays that left me thinking. I realised that I have many things in hand and I am taking so much of them that some of them seems to be slipping off my loaded hand.
I have been playing volleyball since p2. 11 years in total. 11 years can be enough to raise a person up, it also can be enough to distort a person. I ask myself, what have I gained? Gold Medals? None. Friends? Some. Learning Experience? Many. Unhappiness? Loads of them. Don't get me wrong. I love this game down to the core. I never had enjoyed a game so much. But some things just seems to be bothering me. I see people chasing after things meaningless in this game. They chase after personal glory. They chase after authorithy. They chase after rebellion. They chase after many things, all at the expense of the enjoyment of this wonderful game. Sometimes, they robbed mine too... But who am I to say that others are the cause of my sadness? These things do happen. It is part of us. People don't see what I am trying to do to lead a team. But it's ok. Maybe I am more matured than the rest? Or maybe I am flawed as a captain, I lack the ability to lead? I choose to believe in the later. Only then, will I strive myself to acheive greater leadership qualities. It takes effort to bring a team of people together. I accepted the challenge, I guess I must live up to it. I will give in MY BEST! FAILURE WILL NOT STOP ME!
Thankfully, there are many things in life to be happy for. Such things are like flowers booming in an endless desert. They beautify the arid surroundings with unselfish commitment. My family, baobei, and TRUE friends. The last is hard to find as such people are willing to listen to you, not like some others who act as though they do. My true friends never lie to me. They should know who they are. To you people, I say a big thank you! But most importantly, I thank God. Yes, I always do it and people mock me. I don't care, cause they don't know how important God is to me. They mock me out of their own will. True friends don't do that.
Well, sorry for being so weird. These are just some of my subtle ways to express my deepest feelings. I sought not to be understood by selfish people. I only hope that they understood themselves better. I hope they do...
Changed to a NEW BLOG!! Apparently the old one cannot be viewed. :(